Paperboy's Diary

SUNDAY: Finally! Tomorrow morning I start my paper route! I’ll have so much money to buy things that normal children my age purchase in stores… of some sort.

MONDAY: Paper route started today. Pretty good first run I think. It was pretty easy because the boss said “Throw papers at the white houses and not the red ones”. Nice, I like things simple. Had a run-in with a kid on his tricycle. No big deal, fell off my bike, hurt my knee… it’s only skin right! Only thing is that SAME kid was at like three other houses. Anyway… tomorrow will be better. (NOTE TO SELF: Ask boss about obstacle course at end of route.)

TUESDAY: Had an extra house on the route today. Aparently the guy owns a painting company because I’m pretty sure his house was red yesterday… whatevs. Broke a lady’s window by accident. Who installs a mailbox right next to three windows!? I think it’s cool though because she chased me down the street for a block with a baseball bat, but gave up… must have worked out the anger. SAME KID! SAME TRICYCLE! 4 DIFFERENT HOUSES THIS TIME! (NOTE TO SELF: Remember note on Monday about the obstacle course – tore up bike pretty bad.)

WEDNESDAY: Lady with the broken window canceled subscription but for some reason still chased me with the bat today. I almost ran over some random guy break dancing while getting away, luckily there was a dog that ran out in front of me and I cranked it right into the street – avoided all of them. I’m getting a little worried about the drag racing motorcycles on the cross streets. It seems to happen every day during my route which is odd because I start at 5am. I think one of the guys on my route is a mechanic because there are always random tires rolling around. (NOTE TO SELF: Seriously, obstacle course, ask about it.)

THURSDAY: Getting REALLY pissed at that damn kid on the tricycle. It’s like he’s at every house now… EVERY HOUSE! Started getting bored and throwing papers at random things. Hit a couple windows today – red houses though… no bigs. Actually, knocked over some tombstones in a guy’s yard. I hadn’t noticed how creepy it was before today but, come on, tombstones in your front yard!!! Addams Family much? It got windy towards the end of my route… may have seen a funnel cloud, not sure though. I think I’m going to talk to some of my subscribers and have them chain up their dogs. Plus, does everyone on this street own a grey Schnauzer? Anyway, TGIF right! (NOTE TO SELF: Finished obstacle course today, all my friends were there cheering me on… forget mentioning it to boss.)

FRIDAY: HOW WAS MY DAY!? HOW WAS MY DAY!?!?! I’ll tell you how my F&*%ing day was! Not only did I break, like, 30 windows… I was chased by that same bitch with the bat and her dog – nearly ran over the breakdancing douchebag again except after that a guy was randomly jack-hammering the sidewalk. He wasn’t even breaking the concrete… just sort of bouncing up and down – dick. Oh, oh, oh and after all of that I ran into one of those f&*%ing motorcycle guys. I had to stop the route, go get another bike and start again where I left off. Oh no, that wasn’t the end of it! Next block: dog, again, breakdancer, again, jack hammering douchebag, again, bitch with bat, again, random tire, remote controlled car for God’s sake and a damn tornado. DID YOU HEAR ME!? AN EFFING TORNADO!!! I’m sooooo done with this job. I think I may join the Army. Heard about these two kickass guys they call the Ikari Warriors. I guess they’re pretty good pilots or something. (NOTE: Totally rocked the obstacle course… again!)