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105%-O-Matic

Issue #54

by 105%-O-Matic on

Still accepting the word “cyberspace.”

Multiple DUI Offender Botches Riddle
Why is is that we park on driveways and repeatedly commit vehicular manslaughter on parkways?
-John C
Every guitar is an air guitar when you’re deaf.
-Conor McKeon
A lot of people make a big deal about the fact that 1/2 of marriages end in divorce. But I grimace more at the fact that the other half end in death.
-Teddy Bingham
Having a few beers and driving home after a long night can be deadly, which is why I do most of my drunk driving during the day. I blast the horn non-stop just for me though.
-Jeff Rubin
There’s no use crying over spilled milk unless your tears are chocolate syrup.
-Patrick Cassels
Stand-up Comic Doesn’t Understand Humor
-“So, I got a gym membership a few months ago. I’ve been going four times a week, and I’ve never felt healthier!”
-“What is the deal with airline food? Does it come with the price of the plane ticket, or does it cost extra?”
-“I got married about a year ago. It was best decision I’ve ever made in my life.”
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Orange Squares

Two years ago I get assigned a roommate from Bangladesh. Its his first time ever out of his country. His first words to me were Hello how tastes it. Interesting start right. Two days later i walk in to see cheese slices all over the walls. The cheese slices have writing on them. I confront him about it and he tells me he thought they were post it notes. Apparently they do... Read More » not have dairy in back home because he had never seen cheese before. Days after that he blows up the microwave by putting a pot of eggs in it. It is at this point that I give up on the guy. After a few weeks I notice his part of the dorm smells like ass so I confront him about it. He then goes on to explain that he has been waiting for the servants to come by for his laundry. Of all the people why did I get this guy? In the three months I lived with him he washed once and never quite understood that we did not have servants and that Americans utilize cows.