I Can't Wait to Be an Old Man

     When I visit my old grandpa, I realize that with every visit, he gets older and older and he easily forgets things. He’s getting deaf and senile and sadly needs to be constantly reminded that he needs to change his pants. (He wears the same shorts all the time, and they smell like old man fart.) He’s an old guy, these things happen. The thing is, however, being old does have its benefits, and I personally think that the benefits are awesome, and outweigh the fact that death is slowly bludgeoning your quality of life.
     Now, I’m not saying I want to be deathly old. Nobody wants that. I just want the advantages of being a senior citizen. I want to be old to the point where my brain and bladder are both fully functional, and I can fool people into thinking that I’m older and more senile than I actually am. Here are some of the things I would do if I were old:

- Get a seat when I want. When I take a bus, I want to sit down. It sucks getting on a bus and not seeing an open seat. The older you are, the faster someone will be willing to give up their seat to your decrepit ass. It doesn’t only apply to busses; malls, waiting rooms, trains, are all good places to flaunt your weak, rickety legs for a chance to sit down.

- Act senile for my own entertainment. Let’s face it. Tv made for old people blows. Why waste the last remaining years of your life watching boring TV shows? Why not cook up your own elderly entertainment? When I’m old, I will play the senility card all the time just for laughs. I will be constantly talking nonsense to myself in public. I will make lewd and/or racist comments to family and friends. I will walk the streets confused about where I am, when I know full well where I’m going. I’m goin’ straight to da Bingo hall, son. Oh yeah, Bingo all the time is gonna rule.

- Three words: Senior citizens discount. I’m always so jealous of old people who get cheap stuff. They spend their whole life saving up their money, and for some reason; all of a sudden, their shit is cheaper when they retire. Needless to say, but I want in. You better believe that I’ll be taking full advantage of the discounted merch ASAP. Expect to see me in 45 years at a Tuesday matinee sharing popcorn with your soon-to-be hot granny sister.

-I want to walk with a cane. Two kinds of people have canes: old people and pimps, and as far as I’m concerned, they’re both equally awesome. When a person walks around with a cane and they’re not one of the aforementioned, it just looks awkward. Please, your disease is making me sad, limp away now. I’m not talking about a walker either. A walker has you hunched over like Quasimodo, carting your miserable ass around on its tiny wheels. It makes you look weak. A cane can be used with style. How sweet would it look to walk around with a cane all the time? When you’re old and walking with a cane, it just looks natural. Naturally awesome.