#1 Shit America Needs: A Hillary Clinton Nipple Slip

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but America’s 2008 presidential contest has become pretty heated lately – on the Democratic side, in particular. Both the Clinton and Obama camps have exchanged blows towards the other’s qualifications and track records. Various Clinton supporters, including her always press-worthy hubby/one man philandering machine Bill, have categorized Obama’s campaign as a fairy tale, made possible only because of his race and oratory skillz. (Bill put the “z” there – not me.) Meanwhile, Obama supporters have went so far as to categorize Hillary as “a monster” and “a woman.”

At this point, it’s pretty obvious that both Clinton and Obama hate each other’s guts, even though they would never admit it. The Democratic party is suffering as a direct result, and something drastic needs to happen in order to change the party’s course. The only solution, as I can see fit, is a Hillary Clinton nipple slip.

Once the Democratic party sees a little nip, they’re bound to lighten up and not take these presidential campaigns so seriously. Sure, a lot people have already invested a lot of time and money into these campaigns, but trust me – a little Hillary nip can go a long way. I don’t care about your gender, race, or even on which side of the political spectrum you reside: left, right, middle, or idiot. When a red-blooded American gets a taste of the forbidden fruit, particularly when the fruit belongs to someone in the public eye, that fruit knocks them over with it’s deliciousness.

A Hillary Clinton nipple slip, as I imagine you’ve realized, carries a few more complications than the average celebrity’s slip. For one, Hillary always wears those conservative, “Take Me Serious, Please,” pant suits, and fluke access to the nipple seems like a bit of a long-shot. To this concern, I counter: sure, a Hillary Clinton nipple slip is more of a long-shot, but the rewards will be that much greater. After all, the more forbidden the fruit, the more delicious.

This brings us to the second complication: Hillary isn’t exactly a fox. Although I confess she doesn’t have the physical attributes that America values most in an attractive woman (ie long legs, clean-shaven armpits, a vagina), what she lacks in physicality, she makes up for in “novelty value.” In other words, even though Hillary is not a fox, she’s an uber-serious, highly-influential American politician – and at the end of the day, that makes Americans more than a little curious to see her nip. It’s like having sex with your old social studies teacher – you didn’t do it because she’s hot, but because she grades your tests and papers, and you knew you’d remember the experience for the rest of your life.

I’m not trying to tell you that a Hillary Clinton nipple slip will unite America’s Democratic party, and magically make America a more peaceful and happy country. But hey, it would be a solid start. Plus, aren’t all we all a little tired of masturbating to Janet Jackson?