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#3 Shit America Needs: Bill O'Reilly to Lose His Virginity

by MrAmerica on

Bill O’Reilly has one of the most watched news shows in America, but he’s also one of America’s most hated and divisive political commentators. Basically, Americans either worship the man and drink hot cocoa from their “O’Reilly Factor” mugs, or they get chills whenever they hear his voice and secretly plot to break into his house and shave his eyebrows while he’s sleeping. Regardless of your feelings about Bill O’Reilly, in order for America to move harmoniously into the future, America needs him to finally lose his virginity.

Anyone who has ever watched the “O’Reilly Factor” knows that O’Reilly is filled with passion about everything related to American politics and society. He enjoys going on rants, chastising people who reside in the public eye, and tearing down his guests with passive-aggressive and aggressive-aggressive tactics that make every viewer quickly decide whether they love him or hate him. But O’Reilly’s problem isn’t his passion. It’s not even his anger. It’s that he’s lived for over fifty years, been married for almost fifteen, and still has never seen the inside of a vagina.

America needs our public figures, like O’Reilly, to unite the general public in order to enable a more productive society. We need our titans of fair and balanced journalism to foster constructive rather than divisive conversation, to carry the political media torch so the rest of us can see. However, this cannot be accomplished in O’Reilly’s case until someone – who knows? perhaps his wife – bites the bullet and opens up her bed. Sure, O’Reilly may not be the most devilishly handsome man in the world, and perhaps he doesn’t even brush his teeth after sucking the blood out of small, left-wing children, but that doesn’t mean the rest of America should suffer.

I know what you’re thinking. How can I possibly know that Bill O’Reilly is a virgin? Do I work with him? Am I his friend and confidant? Am I sexual psychologist or something? No. No. And no. But just look at the guy, America. Seriously. The blueness from his balls has almost completely discolored his face.

For more shit America needs, chickity check www.shitamericaneeds.com

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.