Things you can't do when you don't have arms or legs...

So God was an ass and made you born without arms or legs. BIG WHOOP! You can still live a great and productive life. Sure maybe you can’t use tools or play on monkey bars but who would want to do that anyway? The key to A No-Appendage Life (ANAL) is to know your limits and focus on your strengths. So to make things easier for all of you readers out there living in ANAL, here are a few guidelines that should shed some light on a potentially dark existence. Enjoy!

Things you CAN’T do when you don’t have arms or legs:

1) Wave hello: The only thing worse than being THAT GUY with no appendages is being that D-BAG guy with no appendages, but when you can’t greet someone from a distance, you have to get used to people thinking you’re an assh*le. Don’t try to wave your stump either because there is no way for anyone to differentiate between waving and shaking an angry fist. However, while people may call you a d*ck for not waving back, you can’t get angry and shoot them in the face, no matter how much you may want to. No really…you can’t.

2) Raise your hand to answer a question: FACT: you’re going to get bad grades in school because you can’t raise your hand to participate in class. I know what you’re thinking:“This seems really unfair!!!” All I can say is that if you haven’t realized yet that life is unfair, I don’t know if I can help you.

3) Get in a fight: You shouldn’t want to get in a fight in the first place because with the skill set that you have to offer you’re gonna need people to like you. But if someone really deserves to get their ass kicked, you need to know what you’re going up against. Just a reminder – YOU DON’T HAVE ARMS OR LEGS. As long as you’re living A No-Appendage Life (ANAL), you are never going to win a fight against anyone who can move on their own. Even if you are able to bite them or something, they are eventually going to get pissed and punch you in the face. And then what? Are you going to run away? You can’t go getting in a fight every time someone looks at you funny. It’s important to remember that your condition might make some guys uneasy, so if he feels like you’re forcing him to participate in ANAL, you should expect him to react with some anger and discomfort.

That wasn’t so bad, was it?! Now look at all the fun things you CAN do without arms or legs!!!

1) Have a sense of humor: No one likes ANAL, but it’s something you can learn to appreciate and respect. Some might even call it an acquired taste. ANAL is a lot easier though if you are willing to laugh and enjoy yourself. There are plenty of fun games that you can play with your friends that don’t involve arms and legs. For example, think how much fun rolling down a big hill would be!! Just make sure there’s not a pool at the bottom.

2) Remember that it could be worse, at least you’re not black: HEY! Being black is HARD!!! People judge you immediately without getting to know you first and think you’re not as smart as everyone else just because you’re different. Just be glad that you don’t have to deal with THAT!

3) Dress up as a Chicken Nugget for Halloween.