What 'Sweeney Todd' Taught Me

1.) British men are unable to trim their own facial hair.

2.) No one in London is perceptive enough to notice that 99 percent of the people who walk into Sweeney’s dimly-lit, macabre-looking establishment never walk back out.

3.) These two major weaknesses make it clear that hiring one murderous barber would’ve been a much easier way to win the Revolutionary War.

4.) The taste of English cuisine is so putrid that the addition of sloppily prepared human flesh is regarded as a revolutionary innovation in flavor.

5.) Nothing, not even sharing a lighthearted duet with a guy (twice!) will assuage his desire to violently jam a silver straight razor through your neck. (Should’ve snuck out when he was on that second verse, dude.)

6.) I would probably react to the prospect of kissing Helena Bonham Carter the exact same way Sweeney does. (I dunno, something about her just makes me think she probably smells.)

7.) If you ever find yourself in a situation where Mrs. Lovett is serenading you with lovingly maternalistic lyrics like “No one’s gonna hurt you, not while I’m around,” check to make sure it’s not Opposite Day.

8.) After two years of being bombarded by bad Borat impressions, the sight of Sacha Baron Cohen bleeding out like a member of the Crazy 88 is actually kind of cathartic.