My Second Grade Conception of College

Stretch Armstrong: Hello Steve, I’m your new roommate.

Me: Wow…

Stretch Armstrong: I hope you’re ready for a year of no homework, no baths, and tons of fun!

Me: (Nods head)

Stretch Armstrong: Say, those are some pretty sweet glasses you got there.

Me: Thanks, they turn into sunglasses when you go out in the sun. Sometimes they take like half an hour to turn back to normal glasses, though.

Stretch Armstrong: Interesting! So I hear you’re starting on the baseball team.

Me: Yeah, but there’s only one problem-

Stretch Armstrong: Don’t worry about it, buddy, the league knows you’re too much of a puss to hit off of a real pitcher, so they made a rule that you get to throw the ball up to yourself.

Me: Awesome!

Stretch Armstrong: Woops, one moment. (Stretches his arm out the door and down the hall. Through the window you can see it snaking across the street.He brings his arm back, carrying a bag of Warheads.) I hope you like candy, because all the ovens in the cafeteria broke, and that’s all you can eat here.

Me: Even for breakfast?

Stretch Armstrong: Get real, Steve, no one eats breakfast in college! Anyway, I hear that you can name all the presidents AND that you have your class record in Math Blasters.

Me: I know my states, too. Also, I read enough books where Pizza Hut gave me a free personal pizza last month.

Stretch Armstrong: HOLY SMOKES! Hey fellas, we got a regular Einstein here!

(The Green Ranger, Krum from Ah! Real Monsters, and Frank Thomas all come in and give me high fives.)

Frank Thomas: Hey Steve, guess what, your dog didn’t actually die! Here he is!

(Dooper comes in and licks my face. The ‘fellas’ leave the room chanting my name.)

Stretch Armstrong: Well, Steve, I gotta go. There’s a new selection on Sega Channel today.

Me: Wait…how come you don’t have any fingers or toes?

Stretch Armstrong: I grew up in Somalia during the civil war. Good thing you don’t pay attention to the news, otherwise you might be less happy.

Me: Awesome.