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5 Skills One Must Learn to Survive in College

April 11, 2008

So it’s that time again. High school seniors from around the country are receiving acceptance letters from their colleges and are already doing things that college students “do”. They’re joining facebook. They’re sporting hoodies from the college they got into just to rub it to their friends’ faces. What they’re really losing sight of is that fact that college is a food chain.

Much like the food chain at the aquarium: Shark, Big Fish, Small Fish

The college food chain consists of: Upperclassman, Ramen Noodles, Freshman

To really survive in such an environment, you don’t need one of those overpriced hoodies but rather, read this.

Drinking:

Sure, you might have been Mr. Smooth in high school hanging out with your friends in your grandpa’s basement playing ping pong while also oh-so-slyly stealing some scotch from your Grandpa’s liquor cabinet. Don’t take too much credit though. Your grandpa was deaf AND blind for Christ’s sakes. No pat on the back, buddy.

Once you get past your pride of your Friday night sausage parties, you’ll realize that college is much different.

In college, if you drink too little, you’re too boring and sober. If you drink too much, you get the infamous markered penis-on-the face. No sir, the only ping pong tables here involve beer and titty flashing distractions. Oh yes, I’m getting to it.

Beer Pong:

Forget basketball and football! College sports? The only true college sport is beer pong! It takes a sharp soul to land that ball in the cup perfectly. it takes a beer pong master. You sir, are not a beer pong master. You are a mere novice. Don’t let this happen:

Upperclassman: Hey, I remember you. You were on the football team at Springmont High.

You: Umm, yea.

Upperclassman: Hey buddy, heh, you wanna play some beer pong?

You: OK, sounds like fun.

<30 minutes pass by>

You have a penis markered on your face.

Good job. Yea, you suck.

Hackysack:

Hackysack is one of those games that you might have played before, will play in college, and will never play again for the rest of your life, unless you’re one of those guys. It involves a $4 cloth piece of shit, 5 people bored out of their minds, and that stuff from the Jamaican dude down the hall. No, i don’t think we’re talking about beef pattys folks.�/div>

WARNING: Do not get intimidated by your lack of skill.

OK, it might seem like a no-brainer but some people do take it seriously. They start training harder, playing faster, start intimidated people who aren’t as fast and soon become one of those guys, the 38 year old guys who hang about campuses because they’re good at nothing else in life. OK, yeah you might know how to do a Rippin’ Run but you still live with your mom and I don’t think anyone really invented the NHSL yet. Hackysack, a sport or game? I dunno but by looking at the blood, sweat, and tears from those guys, it’s definitely debatable.�/div>

Picking Up Girls

So, you just dumped your high school girlfriend after you saw the video your buddy sent you with the college girls.

�ood Move? Agreed.

So, after hearing that college girls were super easy you go up to Ashley at the party last weekend and asked her “Do you know where I can hide my dick?“�/div>

Good move? Not so much.

You remember how your high school girlfriend was. They like that girly stuff.

I mean starting off you can try out, “I wanna thrust my love into your heart,” but then again she might always take it the wrong way and get all emotional and stuff, no bueno.�/div>

So, you’re looking for girly stuff but with the objective in mind.

Why not just try “ Hey, I’ve been staring at you all night. Not that I’m weird or anything it’s just that…you’re beautiful……wanna fuck?”

Schoolwork:

And last but not least, studying. Oh hey, wait, nevermind.

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