The Day the Writers Died

(Three writers are sitting in a room debating over which snack does a better job of satisfying hunger; hot pockets or a regular sandwich. The hot pockets are winning because what they lack in ingredient variety they make up for in consumption ease and lack of utensil use.)

(Fred, the head writer, walks in)

 

Fred: Welcome everyone. I’m excited to work with you on this project. You’re all here because Fox is trying to counter the 30 Rock and Studio 60 sensations with a show of their own. It’s going to be similar in style but with an added twist. We’re going to write about a group of writers who are writing about a group of writers writing for a mock late night comedy show.

James: Alright we’ll need a 2nd string black male who’s been off the market for a while. 30 Rock has Tracy Morgan and Studio 60 nabbed D.L Hughley.

Jim: What about X to the Z Xzibit?

Fred: What the f*ck did you just say?

Jim: No, he’s a black pop culture icon.

Kevin: He’s the host of MTV’s pimp my ride.

Fred: …James, we’re being paid a privileged amount of money to write a show. We’re not running a prostitution ring.

Jim: No, he’s not an actual pimp it’s just the…

Fred: Doesn’t matter! We don’t actually need to cast anyone because the show is about writers throwing around ideas.

James: So…the show is about us…talking about writing a show?

Fred: Exactly.

(The writers stare at each other)

Kevin: Sir, I’m a little confused. What exactly is the show’s premise again?

Fred: It’s simple. We’re writing a show about a group of writers who are writing a show for a mock sketch show.

Jim: So what exactly do we write about?

Fred: This.

James: This?

Fred: Yeah. It’s happening right now.

James: I’m lost.

Fred: Look, the show is about our current situation which is a group of writers writing a show about a group of writers.

Jim: So whatever we say ends up in the script?

Fred: Bingo.

Jim: Big baby balls!

Fred: Ok, let’s keep it clean Jim.

Kevin: Nice alliteration.

James: This is hurting my brain.

Jim: Isn’t that going to be a boring show? The writing process isn’t entertaining; it’s just a group of people trying to come up with ideas. There’s usually a lot of silence and crying involved.

Fred: Just run with it. Alright, we need a dilemma for these writers. Any ideas?

Kevin: Writer’s block.

Fred: Ok, let’s run with that.

Jim: …I got nothin’.

Kevin: …uhh

James: This is ironic…

Jim: I want to go home!

Fred: Take it easy.

(Kevin starts bleeding from the ears)

Kevin: Oh my God, what’s happening?!

(The room starts to shake)

Fred: Everybody stay calm!

(A small black hole appears in the corner of the room and starts sucking furniture towards it)

James: WHAT KIND OF PANDORA’S BOX HAVE WE OPENED?!!

(James gets sucked in) (The black hole is growing with each article/person devoured)

Fred: Dear God!! I read about this in the Writer’s Guild manual. We must’ve upset the time space continuum! We’ve taken it too far by writing about us writing…ahhhh!!!

(Fred gets sucked in)

Jim: Amaaaazinggg graaacce how swe…..

(Jim and Kevin are consumed by the black hole)

 

Let this be a message to all writers out there. Unless you want what happened to the four innocent writers in this article happen to you, stop writing shows about writers writing shows. Parody can only go so many levels deep until the irony balance is disrupted and a black hole sucks everything into another dimension.