HELP! There's been a zombie outbreak! Zombies are everywhere, eating people and causing havoc all over the place. This doesn't look good for the human population! FEAR NOT!!! The Zombie Survival Guide is here to help!
INTRODUCTION & DISCLAIMER
This is not a guide for just any old human on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. This is a guide for INFECTED humans on how to survive once you become a zombie. It is a well-known fact that zombies cannot read. Thus, if you have been bitten or scratched or otherwise infected by a zombie, read this short guide on how to live it up as the living dead.
Part 1: A WARM WELCOME
Welcome to the world of zombies! It is a simple world, without pain, thinking, working, communication, or any judgment whatsoever. As a zombie, you will experience various changes. You will no longer be able to time your heartbeat, you will no longer have that beautiful skin complexion you've been working on since high school. If you had a good singing voice, you won't anymore. You'll stumble when you walk. Your eyes will be all sorts of f*cked up. You'll speak in some language and no one will know what the hell you're talking about, not even other zombies. But it's not that bad! It's a wonderful life, but it will probably end soon once the government wins and defeats all zombies like they always do.
Part 2: DIET
Above all, your diet is the thing that will change the most once you are a zombie. Your new diet will consist mostly of flesh, brains, guts, and bodily fluids. Don't worry about getting sick you really can't get much worse at this point. And don't worry about whether or not the taste of other humans will bother you, it won't. You'll be too stupid to notice the horrible smell or taste.
So now you're probably wondering why would I even WANT to eat other humans? Good question! Very, very good question.
Part 3: FEEDING
Now that you know what your diet will consist of, you should know how to hunt for your food. Usually places like malls, churches, or even random houses hold groups of humans. Remember, humans usually travel in packs, but also keep in mind that they often have weapons, which we'll get to in part 4. When hunting groups of humans, be sure to be with a group of zombies yourself. Attack in the dark, slowly. Or just go wild! Who cares, have a ball. But remember to attack in the dark. Always. Only loser zombies attack in the light of day. This isn't 28 Weeks Later.
Sometimes you'll find a human or two wandering about the streets. If they are unarmed, feel free to attack and eat them. Enjoy your meal, dig in! Be a sloppy bastard, you're a f*cking zombie now. But every so often, be sure to only bite a human, and then leave them be. They will soon become a zombie, and the more, the merrier. Remember: It takes at least nine zombies to form a zombie baseball team.
Part 4: HUMANS
All of your friends, all of your loved ones, everyone you knew and everyone you didn't know are now your enemies. Yeah, it sucks, but you'll be over it by the time you become a zombie because zombies are emotionless. Except they have rage. Is rage an emotion? Whatever. Anyway, you'll want to remember to stay away from any human with any kind of weapon. I don't care if 8-year-old Johnny has a pair of plastic scissors; if a human is holding anything that can pierce your neck, RUN AWAY. You do NOT want to take any chances. I know you must be thinking, "Hey, I'm a zombie. I can't get hurt!" WRONG. Sure, your arm falls off and you can just shrug it off and keep moving, but if your head EVER gets removed in any way, you are royally screwed. You die, and you go to hell. Because all zombies go to hell. The point I'm trying to make here is that you need to ensure that nothing happens to your head. Protect your head at all costs. Men, your head is your new testicles. Women, your head is your new purse.
Part 5: SOCIAL LIFE
Were you some kind of big shot in your little town before the zombie outbreak? Well guess what, Mr. Popular? It's time to say good-bye to your entire reputation, because it's gone to shit now. There is no social status in zombie civilization. No upper class or anything like that. No money, no government. You and your fellow zombies need to stick together as a team. And don't worry about sexual tension or anything like that between you and another zombie. There won't be any sexual anything. No sex. No talking. No football. No sex. I guess masturbation is an option, but that's kind of a gross thought. Basically, there is no social life when you're a zombie. All you're gonna do is hunt, feed, and eat. Yes, those are exactly the same thing, but it makes the zombie life seem less boring if it looks like there's more to the living dead than just eating brains. (There's not.)
Part 6: FUN
Occasionally, zombies may get bored, and there may not be any humans around to hunt. There are many ways to deal with your boredom and have fun, one of those being
Well, it looks like we've run out of time! By now you should already be feeling the effects of death and your skin should be pale as Casper. Keep the advice from this guide in the back of your mind, and you'll have it to look back at once you've become a zombie which should probably happen by the time you've finished reading this sentence have fun remember to watch your head.