Surviving Spring Break: A How-To Manual

Preparation:

            The first thing you will need is a passport. Those American customs agents won’t take any guff so make sure you have a decent picture (sticking your tongue out for your passport photo is a bad idea). Then you will need plane tickets (preferably not North West Airlines, see Departure). You should also choose a few good buddies to accompany you on your journey (at least one responsible one). Last thing you will need; reservations at a resort. Take care in choosing a resort that is all-inclusive so that you’ll never have to buy a girl a drink. Sometimes imported alcohol is not included in your resort fee. If a girl says she wants you to buy her one of these top-shelf German, American, Japanese, or Canadian liquors don’t waste your time. This is Cancun and you shouldn’t be drinking anything except Corona, Jose Cuervo Especial, Dos Equis, or Modelo. El Toro is acceptable.

            Now that you have your passport, plane tickets, reservations, and friends you are ready to start counting down until spring break. And yes, on a side note, it is cliché you are going to Cancun for spring break. If the heat and the lowered drinking age weren’t convincing enough, you could talk yourself into going by thinking of the girls.

            One week until departure. You and your friends are already talking about it non-stop. “We’re going to have a blast” and “I’m going to drink my face off” are two popular phrases when discussing spring break in Cancun, but somewhere in the pit of your stomach you have this feeling that something bad will happen. It will.

            The night before departure you start to pack your bags. Besides the obvious swim-shorts and sunscreen here are a few items you mustn’t forget:

Sunglasses (3 pairs)

Sandals (6 pairs)

Cologne

Playing Cards

Bail/Bribe Money

Condoms*

Your personal cure for hang overs

When choosing condoms, stick to the basics.

Trojan Lubricated is your best bet.

WARNING: DO NOT BRING A VIDEO CAMERA OR ANY OTHER RECORDING DEVICE. IT MAY SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA, BUT GETTING EXPENSIVE EQUIPMENT STOLEN WILL NOT BE WORTH SEEING ALL THE MEMORIES YOU’D WISHED YOU HAD FORGOTTEN.

Departure:

            Although you have been warned, you will inevitably choose North West Airlines because of their low fares during the spring break period. The problem with North West is that they over-book every flight expecting someone to either cancel their tickets or not show up. They will bribe you with free tickets as long as you don’t get on your scheduled flight saying that the load of people that they over-booked is too much for the plane to handle. If you agree to their bribe North West will send you on connecting flights that bring you five-hundred to one-thousand miles out of the way and you will arrive thirty hours after all of your friends. You will decline this bribe, expect delays. During your three hour lay-over in Detroit International you can kill time by playing poker or crazy-eights in the waiting area, or, trying to buy booze in the duty-free zone only to be turned down because you are still underage. After two full games of poker your plane will finally board. You are now on your way to Cancun – great job.

Arrival:

            After your nerve-racking plane ride and thirty minutes of circling the airport battling other spring breakers for a spot to land on Mexico International’s one run-way you will finally make a shaky touch-down on the broken concrete and head inside for customs. Mexican customs are a cake-walk. The Mexican customs agents know that if you have anything illegal you will be taking it out of their country and not in. Still, bringing marijuana duct-taped to the lining of you underpants is not a good idea. There will be a duty-free zone that you may buy liquor at no matter what your age. Take advantage of this, the bars at your resort will close at two a.m. and chances are you will want to party on the beach for at least another hour. After customs and your shopping spree you will board a coach bus headed for your resort. They will offer you ice-cold Corona on the bus for the price of $3 a bottle. At first you will decline thinking of the all-inclusive resort you are heading to, but it is a forty-five minute ride and when the beer lady comes around you won’t be able to help yourself.

            Say: “I’ll take two.”

            You, being an anxious spring breaker, will guzzle down both beers at break-neck speeds. You of course will do this before realizing there is no toilet on your coach bus. By the time you reach the resort your bladder will be two ounces from rupture. You will have to drown a urinal before checking in.

            Unfortunately the receptionists at your resort will most likely be sticklers about the drinking age. If you aren’t eighteen you can make a fake I.D. using the cheapest printer from Wal-Mart and a card laminator. No Mexican resort receptionist will be able to tell the difference. You will show your I.D. once and then be given a legal drinker’s wrist band to wear for your entire stay.

            Put your bags in your room, go to the bar.

            Do not underestimate the power of Mexican bar tenders. They have the right to cut you off at any time. The only way to make a Mexican bar tender your friend is to be polite and show him some dead presidents (preferably American ones).

            After losing your fourth pair of sandals and second pair of sunglasses you will notice that you are able consume alcohol at an astonishing rate. No, the heat is not giving you super drinking powers. The Mexicans noticed over the years that spring breakers tend to ingest large amounts of tequila. Thus began the watering down of alcohol at Mexican resorts.

One of your friends will say to you: “Dude, I think I had somewhere between twenty-five and thirty Kamikazes last night.”

He isn’t lying, but really he probably had around ten to twelve actual drinks. You will drink more. Side effects include:

Headaches

Bad Decisions

Fun

STDs

CRSS (Can’t Remember Shit Syndrome)

Bed Wetting

Falling Asleep in Strange Places

Falling Asleep with Strange Women/Men

Unidentified Drunken Injuries

Confidence

It is important to fight off hangovers early. There will most likely be Corona and Soda-pop on tap at breakfast. Take a glass mug and fill it half with Corona Light and half with Sprite. This is called a Spritzer. It will confirm your belief in God. Follow up with at least two liters of PURIFIED water. Unpurified water leads to traveler’s diarrhea, leaving you on the toilet while your friends are at the beach without you.

            Once you have tipped enough so that the bar tenders cater to your every whim (about $20 a night) and learned to pace yourself on half-proof liquor, you can start putting that liquid confidence to the test.

            It is important to remember that everyone under forty ultimately goes to Cancun for the same reasons. Party and get laid is at the top of the agenda. Girls arrived prepared to throw their inhibitions to the wind. Use good judgment. Don’t be a nice guy, a girl will turn from a party-ready spring breaker to a class-four clinger faster than you can scream “uno mos cerveza” over Gasolina by Daddy Yankee. But most of all:

DO NOT HAVE SEX IN PUBLIC DURING DAYLIGHT HOURS!

INTERCOURSE IN PLAIN VIEW OF OTHER GUESTS = DEPORTATION

            If you ignore this warning, which you probably will depending on the circumstances, you will have to put your bribe money to use.

Bribing:

            Bribing in Mexico somewhat follows flat rates. Bribing a resort security guard into opening the pool up for you and a girl at four in the morning will cost around $5 for ten minutes. If you break any laws at your resort (i.e. fighting another spring breaker, getting naked in the ocean during mid-day, etc.) bribing the security guard will cost around $20 and you may be banned from the resort’s nightclub for the evening.

            If you decide to leave the resort and make trouble on the streets of Cancun you will need a larger sum. It is important to leave your I.D. or anything else you want to keep in your room because it may be confiscated by the Policia (you won’t get carded anywhere except at the resort’s check-in). Tuck your bribe money in between the sole and the bottom of your shoe. Any amount over $50 will suffice, the more the better. You would do well to bribe the officer BEFORE you are arrested.

Returning Home:

            After you have lost all pairs of sunglasses and sandals, drank for a week straight, bribed you way into a pool and out of jail, it will be about time to pack your things and head home. You will forget something, let it go. After another declined North West Airlines bribe and another shaky plane ride to Detroit International you will kiss American soil.

Then you will meet the American customs agents (a.k.a. Assholes who hate their jobs). If you are smart you will bring nothing back with you. You will declare nothing, not even the pseudo Cuban cigars you bought for ten pesos each in Playa Del Carmen. The best plan of action is to smell really bad. Wear the same socks and underwear from the night before. The customs agent will direct you:

            Agent: Take off your shoes

            Spring Breaker removes footwear.

            Agent: *Cough OK PUT THEM BACK ON! Choke

            From there on out you will only say two things; “Yes, sir.” and “No, sir.” Then the agent will say “Move along”.

            That’s it. You went to Cancun for spring break. You drank tequila with Mexicans. You may have even tried to sleep in a hammock near the beach. After second degree sunburns and a lot of mischief you will be ready to be home. You may even curl up in bed with your parents and cry. You will talk about spring break in Cancun with your friends as if it just happened for years to come. You will have the time of your life, but remember, what happens in Cancun stays in Cancun (unless it’s herpes).