How to Ruin a Relationship

First: Get bored. Do the same routine every day, wake up next to her; remember this used to make you smile. Take a piss, miss the toilet, make a feeble excuse not to clean it up (you’re too tired – a little urine never hurt anyone – etc.). Leave the seat up. Go downstairs and make coffee. Sit at the table, spread out the newspaper. She comes downstairs garnished in pajamas.

“Too lazy to clean up your own pee?”

Say: good morning to you too, honey.

She apologizes for being a nag, but ultimately it will end with you cleaning up your mess in the bathroom.

Come back downstairs. Stare into your coffee while she talks at you. Start to reminisce the fun you used to have. Remember that the single life was a bit more challenging, a bit more rewarding.

Drop all habits of personal hygiene. Stop showering, stop brushing your teeth. Wear the same socks and underpants for days in a row. Tell your girlfriend they are your lucky pair.

Pick up bad habits. Start with little ones like picking your nose. Poop with the door open. Pass gas with pride. Announce every belch or fart as “the big one”. Eventually move on to more intrusive behavior. Practice Dutch ovens often. Start smoking. Come home after getting black-out drunk and wet the bed while spooning with her. Insist that getting so drunk you piss yourself is somehow not your fault. Transform yourself from a loving, caring partner to a loud, drunken, egotistical frat boy.

Buy shit you don’t need. Buy shit no one needs. Baseball cards, videogames, lava lamps, cardboard cut-outs of your favorite sports superstars, all of these things can be unhealthy add-ons to your repertoire of useless consumer items.

Put up posters of swimsuit models.

She will ask: “Why do you need pictures of this girl when you have me?”

Reply: “You have no idea what I would do to her.”

Tell dirty jokes to her mother.

Stop performing well sexually. Insist on only doggy style; explain that seeing her face ruins the mood. Make sexual episodes as short as possible – take the love out of love making. If she inquires about your sexual performance say: I just like to get the job done. Refer to your penis with a nickname that gives it too much credit when it comes to either length or girth. Try “Big Shooter” or “Thunder Stick”.

When your girlfriend claims she is on her period reply with enthusiasm: YES! I LOVE BLOW JOB WEEK!

Gain weight while simultaneously insisting she needs to lose a few pounds. If she for any reason agrees, habitually moo like a cow when she enters a room.

Start working on her friends. A girl’s friends are her most worthy consultants. Begin to move your gas passing antics from the privacy of your apartment to the company of her best girlfriends. When she is not around, blatantly hit on her friends. Tell them you have always thought them to be more attractive than your girlfriend. Make up ridiculous stories about her bathroom habits. Tell them she poops with the door open. Tell them she gets black-out drunk and wets the bed. Tell them she has the sexual prowess of a sleeping panda. Tell them not to tell your girlfriend, this insures that they will.

Make jokes about her clothing; tell her she dresses like your uncle Remis.

If at this point she still hasn’t broken up with you try treating her like one of the guys instead of a girlfriend. Become increasingly immature. Force her to play video games with you, chew her out for slacking during Halo battles. Tell her she throws/drinks/urinates like a girl. Tell her about your sexual conquests with past girlfriends. Tell her about the time you and Suzie did it in the high school parking lot before prom. Tell her Suzie was your only true love.

If after all of this she is still interested in continuing a relationship, consider honesty as an alternative. If for some reason you don’t want to start smoking, wet your bed, use the same underpants repeatedly, spend lots of money on useless crap, or generally disgust a large group of people, try tell her you just don’t have the same feelings for her anymore. Try telling her you want to break up.