How to become a famous celebrity

We look at our Britneys and our Lindsays and Heaths, and say “So pathetic”, but deep down we all want to be movie stars and rock stars more than we want the love of our own families. “How do they do it”, you ask? Read on, as I explain everything you need to know to make it to the top.

The lifespan of a celebrity upon being dubbed famous is approximately 10 years (unless you are British/Australian and your name is not Hugh, in which case you will be loved forever). If you start at 5, no one will know who you are by 15. If you start by 15 you’ll be washed up at 25. If you start at 20, sadly you’ll be dead by 30. Choose when you want everyone to love you/forget who you are wisely, so that you appreciate the rise and dizzying fall the most.

2. Make a critically acclaimed first movie/album. The better looking you are, the worse it can be while still launching your career

4. Get powerful agent. He will plug you on promotional tours and work you to exhaustion. That sucks. Everyone will know who you are. That rocks

5. Make 3 movies/albums in a 2 year span. Sure they’ll be nearly identical to your first movie/film, and yes, they will be panned by most critics. They will, however, be commercially successful. Confused yet? “Help” is on the way

6. Befriend the Hollywood “it” crowd. It doesn’t matter if you’re 10 or 30, the cool kids of Hollywood are all 20 something, and if you want to be famous, these are the people that you need to be seen with.

7. COKE!!! You’ll need something to make it through night after vacuous night.

8. REHAB!!! Once again, pretty self explanatory

9. Make another movie/album. This one will be seen as a “Heroic return from the brink” by critics, but will be universally panned by bloggers.

10. COKE!!!

11. SEX!!! Can’t be famous without a few sex scandals going around, can you.

12. BOOZE!!! Something’s gotta wash those bad decisions out of your mouth

13. DEATH!!! Maybe not as exciting as I made it sound, but with the amount of junk in your body it’s bound to be pretty epic.

There you have it boys and girls, simple steps to follow to become famous. It might not be for everyone, but it sure beats the hell out of whatever you’re doing, right?