A Letter to George Zimmer of the Men's Warehouse

Dear George Zimmer of the Men’s Warehouse,

I recently visited one of your retail stores in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. My search for formalwear lead me to the Men’s Warehouse, because I cannot spend my time and money anywhere that will not guarantee that I will like the way that I look.

For years I have anticipated renting the perfect tuxedo for any occasion, and your dignified assurance of, “You’ll like the way you look, I guarantee it,” has only enhanced those dreams of classic formalwear at an affordable price. You don’t see that kind of certainty today!

You have betrayed my trust, Mr. Zimmer.

Upon entering the Men’s Warehouse, a man in sharp yet unassuming business attire greeted me and assured (some may say guaranteed) me that before I left, I will have found the perfect tux to complement my mature personality, red hair, and pasty complexion.

I walked out with a plum tuxedo. That’s right. Plum.

Is this your idea of a joke, George Zimmer? Do I look like the portly protagonist of the 1995 film “Angus”? I have news for you, I did not like the way that I looked.

This is not the last you will hear from me, Mr. Zimmer. Your path of empty promises and socially devastating formalwear ends here.

I guarantee it.

Disappointedly Yours,

Brian Merusi