Dad sets the record straight about the birds & bees...sort of

Dad: “Son, can we talk for a minute?”

Son: “Sure, Dad. What’s up?”

Dad: “I know you’ve had sex-ed in school, and I know you’re practically a young man, but frankly there is a lot of innaccurate and dangerous information out there in the schoolyard. I want to talk to you like an adult and set the record straight about some important things.”

Son: “Ok.”

Dad: “First of all, whether it’s having sex or something else we’ll get to later, be careful how many times you do it. You don’t want to run out of sperm, and you have a very limited supply.”

Son: “What?”

Dad: “You better believe it. Once you’re out, you’re out. That’s why your mother and I slept together just four times: once on our honeymoon, twice to conceive you and your brother and once by accident.”

Son: “Gross.”

Dad: “Well, son, sex is gross so try to be mature about this. So then you know intercourse actually occurs when the…”

Son “Dad I already know that part.”

Dad: “Oh. Well then you must also know the main thing to worry about is accidentally peeing inside the girl.”

Son: “WHAT?”

Dad: “It’s extremely easy to do. That switch between option A or option B is like a hair trigger. One of nature’s little mysteries I guess.”

Son: “Dad I don’t think…”

Dad: “Look, son this is difficult for me to even talk about, so stop interrupting.”

Son: “Sorry.”

Dad: “Now like I said earlier this whole business is pretty icky, so you want to make sure to get it over with as quickly as possible. Women value efficiency, and a pretty girl’s time isn’t something to waste.”

Son: “Jesus, Dad!”

Dad: “Son, this is serious! We’re talking about the capacity to bring a new life into this world!”

Son: “I know. You’re right.”

Dad: “Now luckily you get one mulligan, and a girl can’t get pregnant the first time she has sex. Maybe that is consolation for the hair trigger peeing thing, I don’t know.”

Son: “Dad, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Please?”

Dad: “Fine, just one last thing. Using one condom is like using SPF 5 sunscreen, practically useless. You need to pile those things on. If you drink enough Mellow Yellow your sperm count should be low enough to get by with one, but is that a risk you really want to take?”

Son: “I’m getting up and leaving.”

Dad: “I’m glad we did this, son. My father never had this talk with me.”