Television's Top Jacks

Ever notice how so many badass/awesome characters on television are named Jack? Well, there are. Maybe it’s because marketing executives like to be able to use the phrase “You don’t know Jack!” or maybe it’s just because Jack Nicholson made the name Jack really cool back in the late 80s, but the name pops up in cool characters on TV all the time, and here are some of the finest.

If there’s any question in your mind as to why this Jack is the best Jack, then you don’t know Jack! (wait for uproarious laughter) Seriously though, folks. The man has single-handedly saved Los Angeles, Mexico, the United States of America, countless presidents, and often the entire world…IN 24 HOURS. He has also died twice and come back to life. Even Jesus can’t match that. Checkmate.

The king of the gravelly-voiced courtroom speech. He’s always on the side of right, even when he’s being accompanied by vapid models who have no clue how to act alongside this legendary Jack. He’s the “Order” in “Law & Order” and is usually way better than “Law.” Personally, I’m not a huge fan of “Law” since Jerry Orbach left, but then what do I know?

Superheroic, tortured, daddy-issue-ful, O-negative-blooded, man-of-science Jack Shepherd is quite the Jack. He’s constantly saving everyone’s asses, making bold yet often stupid decisions, and shooting guns while looking very intense. Also, the man grows a mean beard, and has the power to punch Hobbits back to life. His cup runneth over.

Whether he’s torturin’, savin’ his greatest enemies for mysterious purposes, bein’ mysterious, or just lookin’ over his daughter, Jack Bristow knows a badassness that most of us will never truly experience fully.

You all love Jackie Chiles, even though we all know that Michael Richards was covertly burning crosses in front of him and yelling racial slurs off-stage. And putting Jackie Chiles any lower on this list would be totally inappropriate. It would be lewd, vesivius, salacious, outrageous! Man, pale imitations of Seinfeld characters’ quotes never gets old.

Jack Harkness? That is probably the badassest name on the list, yet he is only the 6th awesomest? Probably because he’s British, and having “tea time” every day definitely knocks down your badassness rating. Still, he’s a time-travellin’, con-man, bisexual alien-hunter from the 51st century, and that’s gotta count for something.

Anyone who can do a Redd Foxx impersonation like this man can deserves at to have a mother who goes to the grave a defeated woman. He’s the Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming and starts salary negotiations at $1.00. He is truly a king amongst Jacks. (PUN! GET IT?!)

He’s not actually gay, but he must pretend like he is or Norman Fell and Barney Fife will kick him out of that apartment! And thus I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry found a plot-device to steal so that Adam Sandler could make another $100 million dollars for yelling and Rob Schneider could play another insentively-portrayed ethnicity. Huzzah!

He was only in one episode, but creepy “Uncle” Jack (aka “The Bullet”) was a pretty fantastic faux-Jack LaLanne. “Shoot me!” “It was a bad hire. Not ‘higher!’ ‘HIRE!’” “Shake me!” “I took down the Army-boy!” Man, that was a good show. I feel bad for the eleven people who watched it. Twelve if you include me.

Well, I’m pretty sure they only named him Jack to go along with that lame pun of a title. But Bruce Campbell is an amazingly qualified badass in everything he does, this included. He was a 19th-century secret agent on a devious French island and would often spoil the plans of Napoleon (as portrayed by Mini-Me) and other dubious characters. And it was Bruce Campbell for God’s sake. He could have played a child-molesting janitor and he would still be a badass.