Diagnosis: Flu
Recommendation: Take long, hot shower. Dress in thermal socks, sweatpants, hoodie. Drink 6-8 straight shots of whiskey. Climb into bed. Sweat that shit out.

Diagnosis: Hangover
Recommendation: Quit being a bitch, last night was awesome!

Diagnosis: Sprained Ankle
Recommendation: Get a bucket and a lot of ice to soak ankle. Stay off your feet for 3-5 days. Here's a note for your professors to excuse you from class. Also recommended: PS3, with latest volume of Madden, GTA4, and seasons one through three of Lost on DVD.

Diagnosis: Stress-Related Illness
Recommendation: (Referral by Dr. Andre Young, MD) "Produce a smokescreen with the funky green to keep your eyes slanted." Cheetos.

Diagnosis: Mono
Recommendation: Sleep, dude, sleeeeeeeep.

Diagnosis: Common Cold
Recommendation: Take three times the recommended dose of NyQuil. Trip balls. Pass out.

Diagnosis: Morning Sickness
Recommendation: Quit being a bitch, that night was awesome!