What 'The Passion of the Christ' Taught Me

1. Not to sound gay, but Jesus probably pulled SO much tail back in the day. I mean he was practically worshipped by so many people. Like an ancient rockstar. Seriously, chicks washed his feet for nothing in return.

2. So apparently he comes back to life.

3. He didn’t speak English? WTF. I want a refund on my Bible.

4. I really don’t get how Jesus could have been Jewish, unless he was filled with self-doubt of BIBLICAL proportions.
4a. God that was a terrible pun.
4b. The second pun was unintentional.

5. If Jesus had pulled his fancy miracle before the crucifixion rather than after, it would have been a lot less painful for him, and I could have cashed in on a bar mitzvah. But at least I get to sin now.

6. Judas is a douchebag.

7. ALL those followers, and nobody saved him? I think Jesus was probably being sarcastic when he ‘saved’ everyone else. “No, no, YOU’RE saved. Don’t even worry about me. Yeah I’ll be fine. Assholes.”

8. So is “Christ” some sort of official title, like “esq.”? Hmm. “Tommy Wilder, Christ.” Awesome.