Staff Picks

Andrew Bridgman

A Different Perspective: Angels in Their Outfield

by Andrew Bridgman on

As the manager of the 1994 Chicago White Sox, I’m gonna have to call malarkey on this one.

Listen: we’re not the Yankees or anything. We don’t have a huge payroll with which to buy the best players. We don’t have a lot of supportive fans. Hell, we’re our own city’s second favorite baseball team! How many teams can say that? Maybe us and the Mets, but that’s about it. The point is, we’re not bad guys here. We’re supposed to be the underdog team with a Cinderella story.

Then, out of nowhere, the Angels out in California broke their 0-62 losing streak. Good for them, I thought. They were beyond bad. They were abyssmal. Their owner sold off most of their good, young prospects for coke money, their most dedicated fan abandoned his child, and in a wild publicity stunt, they hired Danny Glover to coach their team. The point is, they could use a win. They didn’t really deserve a win, but you had to feel a little bad for them.

But they didn’t stop winning. They won the next 98 games, with maybe one or two losses in there! I couldn’t believe their sudden luck. We were neck-and-neck with Cleveland most of the season, but those damn Angels kept creeping up on us. Then, they beat us in the last game of the season to clinch the pennant. Crap luck for us – or so I thought.

I found out recently that they had angels – yes, LITERAL angels – helping them out. Hitting homeruns for them, moving the foul post (HOW DID NO ONE ELSE NOTICE THAT?!), and generally messing with the game to move things in their favor. It’s one thing to be a Cinderella story due to talent, hard work, and perserverance – it’s quite another to have God saving your sorry ass by screwing over other more-deserving teams. Bullshit, I say.

Apparently some kid begged God to let the Angels win so his deadbeat father would come back to him. Oh, thanks God. It’s not like we don’t have any down-on-their-luck kid fans of our own or anything. Thanks for absolutely ruining an entire season of baseball for millions of fans just to bring an alcoholic, worthless father back to his kid. Oh! Here’s the kicker! He gets adopted by Danny Glover! Couldn’t you have engineered that without destroying the integrity of baseball, God?

By the way, I prayed for Farrah Fawcett to become a nymphomaniac and have her car break down in front of my house back in 1978. Where were your angels then?

Sincerely,
Gene Lamont

See More
Like this Article
URL Close
Andrew Bridgman

Andrew Bridgman

View Profile
Recent Articles
More
uPick
I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
Up +7 Down
It's a vase

I used to work night shift manufacturing in small town Nebraska. After work, I went home and bummed around a bit, when my roommate and I realized we were hungry for some greasy food. Everything is shut down except a 24 truck stop about 20 minutes away. We head out, and half way there we see lights flashing in the rear. He wasn't speeding so we had no idea why we were... Read More » getting pulled over (turns out it was a burnt out tail light). The cop comes up, sees two mid twenties guys wearing huddies, and when he asked us where we were going answered him that we were going to the truck stop because we had the munchies. 45 minutes go by and we hear a dog sniffing the car, barking at the trunk. I look at my friend and say "Your not sending me to jail man!", "No, I clean, really." Sweet is poring down our face when the officer says, "Both of you step out of the car NOW." We comply, and 5 officers search every inch of the two of us. Then they search his trunk, "SIR, ARE THESE YOUR WEAPONS?", My friend answers, "That's my key chain pocket knife, I forgot it was in there." The offices disregards it than spits back "WHATS THIS?!?" My friend squeaked out "That's a vase sir." Much to their disappointment, we were clean, and they let us go. I still chuckle when I go back to visit and see his vase.