Tommy Wilder

Cheating by Major

Mathematics: Carve all of the formulas into the wooden notches of your abacus. Proctors can clear the memory of a TI-89, but they won’t take the time to sand down your addition machine.

English:
Discreetly conceal The Complete Works of Shakespeare under your tattered Pink Floyd hoodie.

Communication:
Unnecessary. If you really need answers, just ask the guy sitting beside you. Your professor is probably willing to help out, too.

Theater: Use an understudy and sleep in. This is especially effective if your character wears a mask.

Philosophy:
Get “enlightened” before the test. Like, enlightened out of your skull. Remember to bring snacks.

Contra:
Up up down down left right left right B A start

Business:
Politely remind the professor that you are a scholarship athlete.

Biology:
Train a parrot to squawk the answers, and bring him to class. Your professor is likely an animal rights activist, so there’s no chance he’ll remove the bird from the classroom. (Unless it poops, then all bets are off.)

Elementary Education:
Write the answers on the inside of your 64-color Crayola box.

Art:
Starve a dog. Paint the answers on its exposed ribs.

Physics:
Change majors. Seriously, what were you thinking?

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Hail "Thatan"

To My Dear Roommate: I'm sorry if I made you fear for your life. I'm not a Satanist. I just wanted you to GTFO for a few days so I could move out in peace. Since you (among all your other "charming" qualities) always taunted me mercilessly about my speech impediment and I know you love doing your Helen Keller impressions for the hearing-impaired girl across the... Read More » hall, I just didn't want you bullying my deaf father while he helped me move my fridge out from underneath your garbage. I probably went to far with the altar and the upside-down cross, but I didn't see your ugly mug again until I was comfortably situated in my new room. Admittedly, I felt a little guilty when you handed me a "Have You Let Christ into Your Heart?" pamphlet a week later. Thorry about that, thister.