The Morning After Lost: Destiny, John, Is A Fickle Bitch

Turning for the homestretch, Big Brown swept past Recapturetheglory, who had taken a narrow lead from Cowboy Cal, and from there it was just a formality as Big Brown cruised to the finish line.

Your heart sank when you lost the 20 bones you just forked over to the sketchy guy at the party with the bag of cash. But the real tears came when Eight Bells sighed a final horsie breath right there on the track.

You thought nothing could bring a smile to your face. Even Cinco de Mayo margaritas were a little saltier this year, from your tears. But, then, Thursday night came around, and you started to feel your heart race again.

Because it’s Lost night, kids!

Here’s what went down this week, in an underage girl’s uterus:

Locke, Ben, and Hurley look for the cabin. On the boat, a “friend” helps Sayid escape. Crazy Keamy learns that Michael told Ben all about him. He gets crazier. He kills the doctor. Frank reluctantly flies Keamy back to the island, but he drops a phone to the islanders, hoping to save them. Locke finds the cabin and talks to Christian and Claire (!) inside about how to save the island. A flashback tells us about Locke’s early past.

Here’s what we learn:
1. I need to find a boyfriend. I always get scared during the cabin scenes and clutching a throw pillow just isn’t the same.
2. Locke was born to an underage mother, Emily, and an older father. In an earlier episode, his mother had told him that he was immaculately conceived. I’d like to point out that this may have been a flaw on the writers’ part. I believe she was trying to say that Locke “ like Jesus “ was not conceived through sex. Many people mistakenly refer to this as “The Immaculate Conception.” But, The Immaculate Conception was actually when Mary (Jesus’ mother) was conceived “without sin” (but through sex.) Trust me. Look it up. I was raised Catholic. And 10 years of CCD should at least give me some Lost cred.
3. Locke shows Hurley the mass grave.
4. Richard visited Locke at least twice as a kid. Nestor Carbonell!
5. The dude from The Wire (who works for Widmore) visited Locke and first gave him the idea to go to Australia. We can only assume that he knew that Locke was being watched by Richard, and therefore, Locke could bring Widmore closer to the island? Another confirmation that Widmore chose the people on the plane.
5. Locke may have been aware of his powers and talents as a kid, but denied them because he wanted to be a tough guy.
6. Ben is jealo of Locke, who is now the chosen one. Boo Hoo, Ben!
7. The way to save the island is to move it. Huh? Fingers still crossed that the whole island is a giant submarine!
8. Claire is crazy creepy now. Does anyone think maybe she did die in that explosion?
9. The cabin was originally built as a place for DI member Horace and his wife to have some nooky.
10.Keamy wants to torch that mother fucking island.
11. Poor people suck. Here’s why: Next week, I will be in Louisiana volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, so I will have to take the week off from this column. I’m sorry! Destiny is a fickle whore.