Roommate Confessions: Issue 25

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been alot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out thetop 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to RoommateConfessions@GMail.com.

Freshman year, that creepy guy at the crosswalk gave us both a miniature bible. You threw yours away and somebody made a joke about you going to hell for throwing away a Bible. When you weren’t looking I took the bible out of the garbage and hid it in your sock drawer. Then when you asked me two weeks later whether or not you had thrown it away, I just said “I thought so.” Then I took it out of the garbage again and hid it in your closet drawer. When you found it and freaked out, I played it cool. I knew you were suspicious of me, so I looked for it for a few days before I found it in your porn stash(which was well hidden, by the way). Then I checked every day until the bible was gone (you must have thrown it away in the dumpster.) then I put my identical bible in your drawer. Then when you were really scared and told me what was going on, I was a total dick and said you should probably tell your priest. I’m really sorry, I didnt think you’d actually tell your priest that you hid a bible with a bunch of porn.
Andy, USD

We have a super annoying roommate. Basically everything she does makes us want to slap her. She goes home to visit her mommy every weekend so we throw parties when she’s out of town and let anyone who wants to have sex on her bed. It usually happens a few times every weekend. What’s worse is we’ve never seen her wash her sheets.
Kendall, UIC

So start of Junior year I started feeling the curse of having older friends when all of my friends graduated and moved on to different cities. I decided to live with this guy Daniel. ‘Daniel the Douchbag’ as I refer to him now. Our roomateship only lasted 4 sweet months but regardless it was fun. Neither he nor I knew each other. Then one night with-in the first month we got sloppy drunk and were telling girl stories like guys do when drunk. He told me of this chick he was sleeping with for a while who had a boyfriend. He talked and talked about how the dude never knew and he must of been such a loser. Then after he went on for 20 minutes he finally told me the girls name. And yes it was my ex-girl friend! He was the GUY….I didn’t say anything then cause I was twice his size and it would be to easy. I began peeing in the back of his JEEP everynight for about 3 weeks. He kept saying his jeep smells like piss and I just told him to keep the top on it at night its probably the night air. After another week or so he had found the culprit and he thought one of his old friends who he had a falling out with had been peeing in his JEEP. So I convinced Daniel we should go pee in his friends Honda and we did. Long story short I told Daniels friend he’d pee’d in his car and Daniels friend the next night came and SHIT on the driver seat of ‘Daniel the Douchbags’ JEEP.
Matt, LSU

Last year my roommates and I would constantly attempt to one up each other with practical jokes. My roommate Brett moved all the furniture around in my room I retaliated by switching his box-spring and his mattress. Laying in my bed late one night, around midnight, I hear a loud crunch of box-spring followed by a: “f*ck you Jason!”. Well one evening, me and my roomates (miles & myron) go to the grocery store while brett goes to ultimate frisbee practice. Brett was the last one out of the house and left the windows open. We lived in a beyond sketchy neighborhood so when we came home we decided to teach Brett a lesson about locking up the house. We pretended the house had been broken into. We over turned furniture and popped out the window screens. We hid all the expensive electronics (t.v., dvds, xbox, ps2, etc.). We then sat in a dark apartment and waited till he pulled up. We all ran out the backdoor when he arrived and watched him go in the house. You could hear the loud drop of the gym bag followed by frantic running around the house. He then called my cell phone asking if i had been home. I replied, “i am right around the corner, why?” He then tells me on the verge of tears that he thinks we’ve been robbed. So i rush inside the house before he calls the cops and tell him it was all a joke. He sits down on the ground tries to catch his breath, and not cry or choke the living sh*t out of me.
Jason, University of Georgia

My dumbshit roommate freshman year scheduled 8 AMs everyday. His alarm would go off and after switching it of go right back to sleep. WTF After about a month of torture I “borrowed” a giant magnet from my physics lab and put it on his laptop. For some reason it never worked again. My bad… Then while waiting for his new one I let him use mine. The retard got a virus and once he realized he was being infected he threw a book at my wireless router. Somehow it got tangled in the wires and pulled it out a 4th story window. He jumped up so fast he dropped and tripped over my laptop smashing the screen. After punching him in the face I went try to salvage my router. I ended up throwing it along with the book out on my way back up. I didn’t see him for a couple of days but when he came back he refused to pay for any of it because I threw out his book. So at the end of the semester I staged a break in and stole his new laptop, 20 inch HDTV, and 360 plus all my stuff to make it look legit. I think he even failed a couple of classes due to the lost work. He had it coming.
Anonymous