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Fear and Loathing on Potatoes

by Brandon on

I hate potatoes.* I hate everything potatoes stand for.If potatoes ran for President, I would most likely shave my head into a mohawk and try to assassinate them in a vain attempt to impress Jodie Foster.I hate potatoes.

Potatoes, or the fruit of Satan, have had a long life of evil.They originated in the bible as little demons, hell bent on scaring Adam and Eve to death as well as making them commit as many sins as possible.

God, after realizing the mistake he made in creating these demons, turned them in to horrible tasting vegetables that kill after eating more than three.He cut off their arms and legs and made them fat.They were banished to grow in the ground forever.Soon afterwards, when man began to bumble around controlling and growing everything in sight, he stumbled across this depraved and˘enevolent** herbage.

Not knowing what to do, the people ate the fiendish beings.All disease and pain followed soon after./p>

I even hate the long distance third removed cousin, the sweet potato.>

There is nothing sweet about this potato at all.It is a vegetable of LIES!!!

The only hope we have to rid the world of these hellish beings ishytophthora infestans, or as I like to call it, the Red Death of Potatoes.This “disease°” is the only small advantage humans have against the infestation.It rots the potatoes.It rips their souls right out of their gross rinds.But some peopleš enjoy these potatoes.They think that they “taste good”.Well let me call you what you really are…DEVIL WORSHIPERS.

If you eat potatoes, you worship the devil and I have no pity on your soul.Try and convert; enjoy the other delicious vegetables that the world has to offer…Carrots…Green Beans… Squash even!I beg you to save yourself while you still can from a fate worse than death.

The few of you that do enjoy the potato problem, I warn you.Eating any form of potato, albeit mashed, scalloped or even *gasp raw, there will be side effects.

Ever seen an egg fall out of a 4 story window?It’s nothing like that.Its worse.Much worse.

Bottom line, I still hate potatoes.Everyone should.The sooner the Commons stop serving them the better.So remember; tonight as your stuffing your face full of this sinful plant…picture your life in 5 years.A bum on the street, saying only the few words you remember, “Hey man, can you spare some tato?”


Tater-tots don’t count.

*Thanks Thesaurus.com

*And with no toilet paper!>

°I use the term as loosely as possible

šI often wonder if the Irish serve any purpose in this world at all


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