Why I Think: The Legal Age of Consent Should be Lowered to 16

I have a way to solve America’s obesity problem. It’s also a way to solve the high divorce rate, prevalence of heart disease and hell…even the war on terror. I think that we should lower the age of consent to 16.
It’s not that I want to have sex with 16 year olds.  I just think that the option should be open for people who do. I also think that a little youth on the sexual playing field would most definately be a good thing.
It’s not that I think 16 year olds should be sexually active. But let’s face it, kids grow up so fast these days that they’re bumping uglies at 13, 14 years old as a norm now right?
Lowering the age of consent would be a cure all…a literal panacea. I think that it would make older women try harder. I think everyone can level with me on this one…the problem with America is that our females gave up. They got their voting rights and their ability to get a job. There are even laws that keep their husbands from beating them with socks full of nickels and rolling pins. But now look around. What do most of the women over 40 look like in this country?
One word.
Fat.
It’s not that I think rail thin, plastic surgery and youth are attractive. Honestly I think the “please feed me look” went out of style years ago. As for youth and firm, round breasts…well…whatever, the point isn’t what I think about them. I just feel like if your thighs giggle like Jell-O under a wet tshirt and your cellulite laden flesh moves in waves when you do even the most menial of movements such as wiping the special sauce off your mouth or speaking, and you see your husband eyeing the spry young cheerleader for the local High School you might consider laying off the McDonalds for a while and dropping a few pounds.
Similarily, if your a man who’s equally as physically morbid, who hasn’t seen his own genitalia in years because your distended belly is starting to pull small objects into it’s orbit and you have that, you know, pouch thing that spills over the elastic of your stretched out sweatpants to such a degree that people tend to wonder if “he has to move that out of the way before he pees” (am I the only one that’s thought that?), and you see your wife envying the way that JV kid can eat 4 Big Macs in a sitting because he’s blessed with the metabolism of a Capucin Monkey in his youth, and wondering if he can chew other things in much the same fashion, you may or may not make the wise decision to spare yourself the midday quest to Dunkin Donuts.
And all of a sudden bam!
Obesity and it’s related health risks will drop like the fat guy I saw at Walmart today because he stumbled over his shopping cart (I think the total momentum of his mass in motion simply was too much).
Divorce rates will lower too, because everybody will be hot. Problem solved.
As for terrorism, it’s simple really. First off you have to realize that the terrorists that we’re fighting ohso bravely are animals yes, but they are also sexually frustrated. Now that all of our women are hot, they’ll be too busy looking to blow us up. Plus it’s kind of difficult to highjack a plane or blow up a subway with a raging woody.