Lettuce has decided to throw a Salad Party
[Doorbell rings and Lettuce opens up the door]
Lettuce: Well if it isn't my good friend Tomato! Come on in you juicy son of a bitch.
Tomato: Hey man, thanks for throwing this party, it's just what I needed.
Lettuce: Any time dude
Tomato: Hey, is broccoli coming?
Lettuce: You know it. And she's been asking about you too.
Tomato: Really? Damn, she's soooo ripe, I can't wait to hit that
Lettuce: Ha, good luck with that. Anyways, the keg's in the back
[ doorbell rings again ]
Lettuce: Hey man, so glad you could make it!
Ranch Dressing: Woop Wooooop! Holla back mothafucka, you know I wouldn't miss this for the world.
Lettuce: Hey everyone, Ranch is here!! Hey, let me take your coat.
Broccoli: Hey Ranch.
Ranch Dressing: 'Sup B.
Broccoli: [in an accusing tone] So where were you last night?
Ranch Dressing: Nowhere.
Broccoli: [angrily] LIAR!! You were hanging out with French Fry, weren't you?
Ranch Dressing: Listen baby, everybody loves a little bit of ranch. There's enough of me to go around.
Green Pepper whispers to Onion: What was that all about?
Onion: Apparently they used to go out. Broccoli thought they were exclusive but apparently they weren't.
[doorbell rings again]
Lettuce: I'll get it!
Ranch Dressing: I wonder who that could be, everyone's already here..
[Lettuce opens the door and Nuts proceed to walk in]
Nuts: Heyyyyy everybody!!
Lettuce: Can I help you?
Nuts: Yeah, we're here for the party
Lettuce: This is a private party
Cucumber: Who the hell invited you?
Tomato: Yeah, Nuts have no place in a Salad party. Why don't ya'll get out of here before I make you my bitch
Onions: Hey Hey, there's no need for that kind of talk. Just let em in. There's nothing wrong with having a few nuts.
Tomato: Are you kidding me? Nuts don't belong at a Salad party. Never have and never will. Look around baby, everyone here is fresh and from the grocer. Nuts come in a bag.
Chineese Noodle: Ohh snap!
Lettuce: Sorry guys, but I can't let you in. I've tried to party with Nuts before but Tomato is right, you guys just end up ruining every Salad party you go to. Why don't you guys go to a baseball game or something, or a hippies snack drawer. You won't have much fun here.
Nuts: Fine, we'll get out of here and let you have fun at your precious salad party, but before I go I just wanna say one thing SUCK MY UNSALTED NUTS YOU PIECES OF SHIT!!
[nuts leave and the party resumes. In the corner 2 male carrots are making out with each other]
Lettuce: Hey guys, tone it down, would ya?
Carrot #1: Take it easy, man. We're just having a good time
Carrot #2: Yeah darling, live a little. Haven't you ever been in a Greek Salad before?
Lettuce: Guys, I'm as open minded as the next head of lettuce, but you're making a scene.
Carrot #2: That's what carrots do!! owww owww!!
[as the night progresses, the party-goers become somewhat intoxicated. Tomato and Broccoli are making out upstairs]
Tomato: Come on baby, I love you so much
Broccoli: I just don't think I'm ready.
[Apple walks by and sees what's going on]
Apple: Lay off her man, she's young. She's barely ripe.
Tomato: Dude, this ain't your business.
Apple: Well I'm in this salad, so it IS my business. Come on Broc, let's go back downstairs.
Tomato: Dude, if you touch her, you're dead
Green Pepper: Chill out Tomato, he's a fruit.
Tomato: So he says.. One minute he's red, and the next minute he's green. And last week I swore he was yellow. He may be a fruit, but I don't trust him.
[meanwhile, Lettuce walks in on the two carrots going at it again]
Lettuce: Are you kidding me? Get the hell out of my house!
Carrot #1: Why are you being such a prude?
Lettuce: Prude? First of all, your all up in my mom's salad bowl and that's just gross. And two, I don't even know what kind of freaky sex position you guys are doing. It's creeping me out.
Carrot #2: FYI, it's called a tossed salad.
Lettuce: FYI, this isn't a fruit salad
Carrot #1: FYI, you're a homophobe.
Lettuce: What are you talking about? I'm a vegetable, not an instrument.
Carrot #1: Same here [sobbing] saame here.
Moral of the Story: All vegetables are the same, regardless of color, shape, or size
Questions for Class Discussion:
1. Why do you think Tomato pussed out and didn't hook up with Broccoli?
2. Apple was clearly being a cock-block. Should he be invited back to the next party?
3. What made Lettuce realize that homophobia is wrong?
4. Nuts clearly don't belong in a salad, but was it a hate crime to kick them out?
5. Which of these characters would you add as a friend on facebook?
6. How cool was Ranch?