God, According to Indiana Jones

Raiders of the Lost Ark

GOD: Moses, you will take these 10 Holy Commandments down to the Israelites, so that my laws may be obeyed.

MOSES: Thank you, my Lord.

GOD: You will then seal my Commandments in a sacred ark, where they will be protected.

MOSES: But what if someone should try and open it?

GOD: Then I shall melt their faces.

MOSES: I’m… I’m sorry, my Lord. What was that?

GOD: Scary ghosts shall pop out, and I shall melt their faces. Just melt them right off, my son.

MOSES: I see.


Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

GOD: You have found the Holy Grail, brave crusader. Now, you shall bring it to a sacred temple and watch over it.

KNIGHT: I will not take this honor lightly, Lord. I will defend the Cup of Christ against all intruders.

GOD: That won’t be necessary. For I have made the bridge to the grail invisible!

KNIGHT: Really?

GOD: Yeah, really. Plus there’s like, nine spinning blades protecting it, too.

KNIGHT: Forgive me, God. But isn’t there more you can do?

GOD: You don’t get it, these blades are going to be spinning crazy fast. Plus I’ll put like, 100 different grails next to the real one, so nobody will know which is the real one.

KNIGHT: (pause) I see.

GOD: Also, I’ll turn anyone who drinks from the wrong one into a skeleton. It’ll be awesome.


Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

GOD: Yeah, so I pretty much melted the shit out of the faces of these Nazi’s who tried to get into the Ark. Then I turned this dude who was trying to steal my Grail into a skeleton. It was so gnar’.

KALI: Huh. I like to rip their hearts out while they’re still beating. Then lower them into a lava pit.

GOD: Sick.