"YOU GOT A HOOD PROBLEM!?  I GOT A HOOD ANSWER!!"

Name's Larry Osman. I'm an expert in Black Psychology and 'hood mantality. People call me the black doctor Phil. And FUCK that guy for havin a show b4 me. I'M HATIN!
 I Lived in Newton, New Jersey for about 5 years. Father moved out, Mother didn't care 'bout fuckin random dudes, so one thing led to another and I found myself livin' alone in a tenament in Harlem. People always axin me questions… STUPID mothafuckin questions, too: "Larry, my man cheated on me what should i do?"
My answer? "BITCH SHOOT 'EM IN THE BALLS!!"  Hot damm ho.
Juss another day…
 Finally I moved a couple packs and saved up for my 'Lac, dubbed it and fucked madd bitches. All kinds of bitches. chineses, crackas, hoochies, black bitches, bitches wit 3 eyes… I didnt give a fuck, I was a horny motha fucka… Then I went through the drama of thinkin I gotta get money straight… Got a job at white castle… 
PEOPLE LISTEN!!  DONT GET YA MONEY STRAIGHT IT AINT WORTH IT…
Money comes in quicker crooked.
Still, though, through all this bullshit I was still helpin' people wit problems:
 "Larry, my man wasted all my money gambling, what should I do?"
My answer: "SHOOT 'EM IN THE BALLS, BITCH!!" hot damm ho.
Any-motha-fuckin-way, I really don't know why I'm still alive. Been givin so many people advice against other people, figured I'd have a mob of people against me, like the Mafia or the KKK or some weird tribe from South America or some shit..   Not really though…
Turns out i helped most they mothas wit tax returns FO' FREE.  Figure it's my way of givin' back to my community.
 See that's another thing about me. Love Math. Anything about math. numbers and bitches best describes my ass. That's why i could move packs so easy. I didnt even need to weigh the shit. I knew how much drugs there was was by just lookin at it. I was special, a gift from god if you will. A HUSTLIN PRODIGY.  Too bad i wasn't discrete. I loved numbers and findin shit out like that so much i'd end up just gettin' wrapped up in it and doin it on the stoop in front my projects. Cops be laughin' at me cuz it was so easy to catch me.
 FUCK YA'LL.
So i did my time… about 7 times…. came back out, my Lac's still new, (except the stolen rims…) bitches be a little more winkled, but i'm still livin it up. Figured this CollegeHumor shit'd be the way to give some help world wide. Cuz i'm pimpin' all over the woorrllldd aaahhhahaha that's RIGHT.  Next i'm goin to the moon bitch.  For Moon Bitches and some Moon Crunk Drunk Dance Juice.  Maybe a Moon grill and some Moon bling. 


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Since this the first session i got 2 treats fo' ya.
1. i'ma help out 2 people
2. this fo' the bitches. i'm single and i'm sexy mammi ahahahahaaaaaa

OK, here's the first letter, from "Bo0tyMama699".  She writes:

Dear Larry,
Hey papi! My name is Lisandra from Queens and i am 18 years old. see my problem dat me n my man been together for like 2 months now. we got together 7 months into my pregnancy. he is not old enough to get a job yet. he's 13, and so it will be at least 3 years until we get any money in. Both our parents kicked us out of the house and we don't even have enough money to start selling crack. What should i do!?
ps. i love your smile!! soy caliente y amor para tu y porque cuando mi madre es luego, yo jugo. teeheee!!
Love,
Lisandra

OK, bitch, first off, you so poor, why you on a computer!? You could be at the library, but I  think ya retarded baby would be bothrin' everybody. No offense to ya baby, but it must got somethin wrong wit it, judgin' by how young ya man is! I didn't even kno 12 year olds could skeet skeet skeet! That reminds me of a good song!! ahahah trust me bitch, ya shit's fucked. But if I ever see you in my 'Lac I'll give you a ride and share with you some of the stickiest of the icky. As fo' ya man…. SHOOT EM IN THE BALLS!! Hot dam ho, that's real and i'm out. wurd to harlem
Sincerely,
Larry

aite, problem 1 solved. now onto problem 2. 'Dis shit comin to me from my man Pete Reginald from Philly.

Dear Larry,
I don't think i'm your average writer. I'm actually a well-off caucasian male living in the suburbs of Philadelphia with my wife and three kids. See my problem is that I'm addicted to cocaine, and, well, I figured i'd go to the "source" of the problem to try and get some help getting over this terrible habit.
Thank you for your time,
Peter

PHILLY!? OH SNAP YOU KNO DMX!? Oh wait ya white… shit…. anwyay…. lemme see…. you addicted to rox? shit.. you fucked. Best bet is gettin' the family in on it, That way ya'll can go down together. Buy a life-time supply of 40's while u still got money and just stock up, cuz there's no way you gettin outta that shit. HA! Ya goin' down down baby, livin' in a Range Rover, can't sleep baby, cocked off that fuckin' blow, That's my Nelly shit. Fuck haters. too bad mayng. PEACE
L O V E
Big L

Many more to come! Pussies stay tight, homies stay tighter! aite peace