Things I've Learned On Xbox Live

Some people may argue that playing videogames is a waste of time, and that I should try to do something productive instead like read or go outside. Well, thanks to the internet, I can interact with other shut-ins from the comfort of my home. And just look at a few of the life lessons I’ve learned while playing on Xbox Live.

Winning isn’t everything
For instance, whenever I win a match, it’s only because my opponents were “lagging like a motherf*cker.”

Everybody loses sometimes
Don’t feel bad, It’s probably just a result of you “sucking goat balls.”

It’s nice to help people
Like when I let that guy kill me five times so he could get that one really annoying Achievement. The lack of a thank you was its own reward.

Don’t be afraid to try new things
For example, I should really try playing Rock Band while high on marijuana, as the experience has been described as “fucking crazy as shit, for real.”

Speak Your Mind
If you think that anybody who likes to play Oddball in Halo is a “taint licker,” then go ahead and say so.

Be open to people from all different walks of life
There is a strong possibility that I am, in fact, a “homofag,” and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Girls Don’t Play Videogames
They just don’t.