How Far Could You Kick a Puppy?

You scored:

1 point: 1 yard. It won’t even harm the dog. It’ll run right back to you after it lands and start licking you because it’ll think you’re playing with it. You need to stop hesitating and really commit if you ever want to get any real distance. Stop thinking about the dogs feelings or physical health.

2 points: 3 yards. The dog won’t like it, but you’re still not committing. You’re clearly just pretending to try, but crying inside.

3 points: 5 yards. Now you’re being cruel. You’re going to break that poor puppies leg. You’ve reached that middle ground where you don’t want to hurt the puppy, but you’ll kick it hard enough that your peers won’t make fun of you. The real victim is the puppy. Actually, the puppy is always the victim.

4 points: 8 yards. Woah! Seems like you’re really trying. You’re a terrible athlete, but at least you’re trying.

5 points: 15 yards. It’s a start. You’ll need a lot of practice if you ever want to make it on the pro puppy punting circuit. Right now you wouldn’t even make it on a co-ed intramural team.

6 points: 20 yards. That puppy is not happy. We’re talking about severe, permanent damage now. All it ever wanted to do was love you.

7 points: 30 yards. Meh. You can do better.

8 points: 35 yards. You might actually have a career in puppy kicking if you weren’t such a wimp.

9 points: 40 yards. Not bad, but you sliced a bit to the right. You need to work on accuracy.

10 points: 45 yards. All you’re doing is making puppy vegetables you sick bastard. What are you going to do with all those paraplegic puppies?

11 points: 50 yards. Great distance, for an amateur.

12 points: 60 yards. It sounds like a lot, but this is actually the national average. Good job, you’re average.

13 points: 68 yards. Take your puppy kicking out in public. If a scout sees you kicking like that they’ll throw you on a minor league puppy kicking team for sure.

14 points: 75 yards. That kick is going to destroy the puppy. It’s more humane that way, anyway. Better for the puppy to die on take-off than landing.

15 points: 78 yards. It’s obvious that you’ve been practicing. It’s paid off. You’ll make it in the majors with a kick like that.

16 points: 80 yards. Have you thought about the Olympics? It’s too late for Beijing, but you could take the world puppy-kicking community by storm in 2012.

17 points: 90 yards. We’re talking about world records and corporate sponsorships now! That is, if corporations endorsed things like puppy kicking. Someday they’ll understand your sport.

18 points: 100 yards, holy sh*t! That’s the length of a football field. At this point you’ve gotten past thinking of the dog as a living thing and started taking things like wind into account. You are sick and heartless, but we can’t fault you for doing a good job. Congratulations?