You took down your poster of Borat. You threw out the condom wrappers that have been on your floor since January. You packed up the rest of your room and hauled it off campus.
Your finals are done. You even met this semester's goal and had oral with that hottie who's been giving you eyes since freshmen orientation.
You lugged your textbooks to book buyback, bought some weed with the extra dough, and smoked one last J with your friends until you had to head back to your parents' house for the summer.
But, as we prepare ourselves for beaches, barbeques, and sunscreen, we look back fondly on the school year, which ended with a bang
a BIG FUCKING FREIGHTER-BLOWING-UP BANG!
I'm talking about the LOST Season Finale!
Here's what went down this week, in a bottle of Dharma rum:
Jack and Sawyer find Hurley. They find Locke, who's trying to enter the Orchid. Locke tells Jack he should stay on the island. Kate and Sayid help the Others rescue Ben. In exchange, they can leave the island. Sayid and Keamy have an amazing fight! Richard shoots Keamy. On the boat, Des, Michael, and Jin try to dismantle the bomb, which is remotely hooked up to Keamy's heart monitor. Ben and Locke go into the Orchid. But Keamy's not dead yet, and he comes to get Ben, who kills him, setting off the bomb.
Dan knows the island is fucked, so he's rushing to get another load of people out. But Miles and Charlotte want to stay. Jack, Frank, Sawyer, Kate, Hurley, and Sayid take the copter back to the boat. Sawyer jumps out to lighten the load. My hero! At the boat, Des and Sun get on the copter but the boat blows up, with Michael and Jin on it. Sun freaks.
Oh, and one more thing:
BEN MOVES THE FUCKING ISLAND.
Here's what we learn:
1. O, no big deal we only learned that LOCKE is the in FUCKING COFFIN!!!!!! This means that things must've gotten crazy on that rock after Ben left, because Locke didn't ever want to seem to leave. Unless maybe he had to move to island, too?
2. Speaking of which, we learn that whoever moves the island can never go back. And, it's pretty clear that "moving the island" is moving it into the future, so it disappears for a bit, like the bunny.
3. Hurley is visited by Walt, whose balls have definitely dropped.
4. It's Jack who tells everyone that they have to lie about what happened if they want to protect the island. Unexpected twist, but it makes sense!
5. Ben wants to help Jack get everyone together to go back to the island for a big reunion party.
6. BEN IS EVIL. I have written this sentence a million times in Morning Afters. But, we must remember it. He sometimes seems to be helping people, but he's not. He didn't give two shits about the people on the boat that he killed.
7. Babies are indestructible in helicopter crashes.
8. Freezing a bomb's power source stalls its explosion. Who knew?
9. Charlotte was born on the island. WTF?
10. Jin really does die. (Or at least, Sun really thinks he's dead .) I had assumed he was still on the island.
11. Desmond's army experience gave him just enough explosives expertise to make the bomb scene comically believable.
12. Locke was right all along: Jack should've stayed on the island.
13. Penny's boat finds the floating raft after the helicopter crashes. Des and Penny kiss and we all get goose bumps.
14. Sun wants to exchange recipes with Widmore.
15. When Ben leaves the island, Locke takes over as leader of the Others. But then it all goes to shit. O, Locke!
16. From start to finish, from back to front, from the extension of the airport scene to Sawyer's goodbye kiss, this was an outstanding season finale!
17. It's the last Morning After for awhile, so to help hold you over, I'll leave you with a shameless plug: Watch the new IFC series, Z-Rock. It starts September 7th, and I'm in it.
I love you guys so much! Have a great summer, and I'll see you next (school)year.
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