The Facial Hair Hierarchy

Time to find out where you rank on the totem pole of beardos. If you think that’s not a word than you’re thinking too hard about words, and not hard enough about facial hair.

Clean Shaven or Baby Facin’ It:
You are lower than low, you’re like Hans Moleman and the Fortress of the Moles low. How dare you disrespect the empty canvas God gave you by leaving it blank. Take a few days off from shaving and then try again. Pathetic.

Note: Of course this scale is reversed for women, most men prefer a nice clean face to the circus’ Bearded Lady. She’s a classy gal though. And it would tickle when you kiss. So I’ve heard anyways.

The Three Day Stubble:
Ah yes, the lazy man’s beard. I salute you. You clearly are not swayed by society and its views on looking like you’ve been up doing cocaine for a week. This is a critical point in your facial hair life. You can either shave and then march in the Gay Pride Parade, or you can press on to bigger and better beards.

The Soul Patch:
Props for being able to grow enough hair underneath your lip to look like Ned Flanders’ parents. You’re like a carpenter whittling a redwood down to a toothpick though. Go for the gusto or stick around the coffee house scene.

The Moustache:
Congrats! You are now qualified to play First Base for the New York Yankees! All you have to do now is play decent defense and bat around .225 with 8 home runs. Too late, Joe Torre’s in L.A.

The Handlebar Moustache:
A different degree of moustache. This is the kind of moustache that lets people know you know beards. Everyone else is hacking Colts, while you smoke Cohiba’s. Keep up the good work.

Fu Manchu:
Depending on where you live, this might not be the beard for you. A college dorm? Probably not. 1968 Kung Fu movie? Perfect.

Sideburns:
Unless you are thinking about joining a Civil War re-enactment club, you might want to ditch the ‘burns.

The Goatee:
Now here’s a classy piece of beard. It works on so many levels. Trucker, biker, ZZ Top bass player, it’s all good. Really, the Cadillac of beards.

The Full Face Beard, or Wolfman:
We’re not worthy. How does one man grow so much hair and not have a shrine erected to him in our world. Ha, erect. Seriously though, at this point you might want to shave or something. Too much beard hides my killer dimples. Total chick magnets.


Until next time, keep watching the stars.




WARNING! THE ABOVE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN READ BY ANYONE. IT CONTAINS INTENSE FACIAL HAIR BIAS.