Metal Album Covers Dissected

Folks, face it, Metal Album Covers are the greatest form of artwork that we as a society have today. If you do not know what I am talking about, you soon will. I am talking about that sincere art form displayed on the cover of your favorite metal band’s CD. I am going to be looking at some of the top-notch covers and analyzing just why they are so amazing. So sit back, grab a cold brew, get a Nordic Battle Axe, a Big Tittie babe, and enjoy.

Standard. Beyond standard. This is what fantasy metal is all about baby. Swords and snow, f*cking metal dude! Check out this lavish warrior. He knows that he is gonna storm this castle with pride and swiftness, ¡nd once he gets there, he is gonna pour out a face melting solo while f*cking the Princess til’ she hits higher vocal notes than he can.

Woops. The only thing that the last one was missing was a naked babe. Mission accomplished. If there is one thing that metal bands think about day in and day out, it is blond babes with big tits. Graveworm…wow sorry, let me gather my thoughts on how cliche this name is…ok, GRAVEWORM comes out with a strong cover here, and again, this is just another tame example of what to expect, now I will get to the real shit.

LIFEGUARD, LIFEGUARD! I need CPR after viewing this. This actually represents what my first ever wet dream was of. It is a motherfucking electric shark biting into a pink guitar. I would be glad to let this shark bite me in the name of metal. One time, I scoped this shark actually come onto the beach and bone every chick in sight, metal!

Great. Looks like I have to enter a lawsuit with my 1st grade teacher for taking one of my drawings and using it for his metal band. Be careful around this cover, the Crayola smears.

The two times that I have actually fought a dragon in my life, I had to use a guitar to destroy it. This dudes’ cock is hanging out of his leather pants because of his gnarly split, but it doesn’t matter, that dragon is going down.

This cover just mindfucked the shit out of me. If there is one thing in this world, besides a Twinky, that I would replace my cock with, it would be a guitar neck. The amount of innuendo going on in this masterpiece is also mind blowing. It’s good to see that this guy keeps himself cleanly shaven, or else his pubes would probably catch on fire when he is digging power riffs into groupie sluts.

Lost Horizon, answer the phone! The president just called and he wants to award you a medal of honor for this beauty! Where do you begin? It is certainly enough that Braveheart and his crew are floating above a land full of animal men and human puppets, but is it really necessary for them to take it to the next level with the crystal ball the man on the right is holding? Yes…it is.

Fuck yes. This is it people, you have ascended to metal heaven. Take a deep breath, look at the screen for 5 seconds, and then look away. This is truly a pussies worst nightmare. This is only allowed for the eyes of real men, real warriors, real bad boys. Luckily for Manowar, this photo wasn’t even staged. They took this picture right after they had finished doing their stocks on Wall Street. Manowar sets the gold standard for all the other sissy’s out there, and puts any other metal band to shame, keep on rockin’ Manowar.