BOOK FAIR

What's up now, boys and girls? Look who showed up to the Scholastic Book Fair with $7.43 in coins. That's right: Jimmy Dunbar. Allow me a few moments to peruse the merchandise before I decide which semi-educational treasures I'm going to purchase with this sweet moolah. Miss Franklin recommends the Newbery Award winners. F*ck, that seal looks regal. Wait a second, though… 18 chapters? That's a lot of chapters. And there are, like, three illustrations, tops. And none of them are funny. I need something that will make me the coolest kid in class. I need a book that will pull more 3rd grade trim than The Giving Tree. This book is only going to impress the librarian, and she is OLD. We're talking at least 32.

What have we here? Clifford the Big Red Dog? A dog so big he can't fit inside a house? That's pretty spectacular. But wait! A sponge who lives in a pineapple? Priceless! Shit, each is $5.95. Which do I choose? Oh God I can't decide! Kelsey! Quick! Pick a number between 1 and 100, but DO NOT tell me what it is. Got it? Okay. Nate! Pick a number between 1 and 100. If your number is higher than Kelsey's, I'm buying Clifford. If it's lower, I'm going with the sponge. This is extremely important, Nate. What is your number?

62? Jesus, that's pretty high. Kelsey, what was yours? You forget? You forgot which number you chose, you mega-brain-damaged gaybo? Oh wait, you remember? …YOUR NUMBER IS ALSO 62? You've got to be fucking kidding me, Kelsey. That's unbelieveably coincidental. Now how am I supposed to decide?

I guess I'll just buy 26 of these pliable erasers shaped like elephants. No, Kelsey, you may not have the pink one. And if any of you motherfuckers so much as THINKS about touching one of these erasers, I swear to the God of Abraham that I will tell Miss Franklin on you.

I'm going to use these to barter with that kid from 3C who bought $6.18 worth of sticky neon hands.

BOOK STORE

Holla holla, pimp and hoes! Look who showed up to the campus book store during the first week of class with $246.35! That's right, Jimmy Dunbar. I just cashed in a savings bond, and I am ready to use this money to further my education. Now, Prof. Browning recommends Organic Chemistry Ed. 4. Jesus, that metallic-edged periodic table looks regal. But wait… this book is full of equations and science and shit. I need to spend as much time drinking as possible. I can't waste any daylight hours studying. Having a high GPA only impresses nerds who wear glasses, and I need to be throwing a hammer at tree stump, not cavorting with dweebs.

I need to switch majors! But to what? Hmm, this book has size 16 font. What is it? Introduction to Sociology. That looks pretty easy. But wait… Basic Principles of Philosophy? I could probably never do any work for either of these majors and still avoid another semester of academic probation. But which one do I choose? Kelsey! Quick, think of the number of people you've had sex with, but DO NOT tell me the number. Now, Nate, you think of the highest score you've ever gotten in Tetris. If your number is higher than Kelsey's number, I'm going to be a soc major. If it's lower, philosophy. Nate, what is your number?

978,533? That's pretty weak, Nate. Now, Kelsey, how many people have you had sex with? YOU FORGET?! Kelsey, I'm going to murder you in your sleep on October 4th.

Oh, you remember? What is it? 978,533?! Kelsey, I would punch you in the cunt right now, but you probably wouldn't even be able to feel it. You make my life more difficult simply by existing. I hate you.

I guess I'll just buy 15 shot glasses with our school logo on them. No, Kelsey, you may not ever borrow one. You'll probably just drop it because you forgot how to hold things. And if you so much as THINK about touching one of these shot glasses, I swear on the souls of your hundred thousand aborted babies that I will tell my RA on you.

I'm going to use these to barter with the guy on my floor who bought $357.12 worth of beer coozies.