Highway to the Dangerzone

‘Top Gun’ is easily one of the greatest films ever made, no question. But perhaps my favorite aspect of this movie is how badly the top two teams get along. It is total hatred between Iceman/Slider vs. Maverick/Goose. Yet, amidst this fire, the commander still sends them out on dangerous missions. Well, luckily, I was able to retrieve a transcript from the chatter during one of their missions, and boy is it heated.

Viper: Alright guys, we are getting intel that puts at least 4 Mig bogies approaching our position, fast. Since we aren’t supposed to be in Russian territory, it is best to assume that they will open fire. Iceman, Slider get out there. Maverick, Goose, I want you guys backing them up. Remember, we are a team, act like one.

Iceman: Yes sir, we are on it.

Iceman: We are picking up speed, reaching maximum acceleration in 5 minutes.

Maverick: I’m already at top speed. Hey, Iceman, remember that time‡oose and I pulled a negative G and took a picture of you and Slider sunbathing naked by your pool?

Iceman: No, actually I don’t. Keep your mind on the mission men.

Goose: Yeah, that was a good shot. Oh, nice job in volley ball the other day guys. Maverick is only 5’2 and he still spiked the shit outta you.

Iceman: Listen, the targets are almost on us, can you PLEASE focus?

Slider: Yeah, well Goose wears a fucking tank top when he plays volleyball while the rest of us go shirtless, showing off the bods. What a fag.

Maverick: Goose goes shirtless because he has a mountain of chest hair, and the rest of us can’t grow any. Besides, you know that call out is off limits.

Slider: You’re right, sorry.

Iceman: 2 Migs, at our twelve. Firing missiles. Got him! One tango down, Maverick, get the other.

Maverick: I got him, I got him. BOOM, tango down. Fuck, I am good. Scary good. You know something Iceman, when I was fucking Charlie the other night, she told me that I have the biggest dick she has ever seen. Seriously, I pulled out with brain on my cock. You like that?

Iceman: Alright Maverick, fuck this. Since you can’t be professional for one second, let alone in a life threatening mission, the gloves are off. I had Slider jizz inside your shampoo in the locker room the other day, and you know what? I saw a little bit go into your mouth.

Slider: It was the motherload.

Viper: GUYS! Shut the fuck up! More Migs coming in form behind!

Iceman: Alright, focus. I’m gonna pull up and come around behind them in three. One, two –

Maverick: Haha.

Iceman: Maverick, are you bumping the back of my jet right now? Seriously?

Goose: God, I love that prank Maverick, you are the best. Oh shit! They hit our right engine, turn it off! Taking massive fire!

Iceman: Put on your air brake and get back, I got this one.

Maverick: Why don’t you put on YOUR air brake. Besides, I took mine out. I live at one speed – fucking extreme.

Iceman: Jesus Christ. Alright, well I just took one out, that leaves one left, got him Maverick?

Maverick: No problem. BANG BANG BANG! Oh yeah, those machine guns give me a boner, whatta ya say Goose?

Goose: Raging hard on Mav. Dude, look over, I can see Slider giving Iceman a tug job from the backseat!

Maverick: Oh wow, great team work guys!

Iceman: Fuck off. Let’s head in. Somehow, we got this mission done, no thanks to you guys.

Maverick: What was that noise in my headset? Iceman, did you just bite your teeth real hard into the microphone?

Iceman: No…

Goose: Ooooh, what’s this button do?

SPLAT