Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Not Gay

1) When I’m looking at pictures of penises online I’m not thinking ‘Oh yeah, baby, do me now!’, I’m thinking, ‘For the love of God, man, shave!’.
2) The only things I put up my butt are thermometers, suppositories, and vibrating dildos.
3) I wear black with brown, polos with basketball shorts, and white after Labor Day (and I don’t even know that that last fashion don’t is outdated and is not observed anymore).
4a) Most of my best friends are girls or actual gays.
4b) I refuse to be good friends with anyone that shares a sexual attraction with me.
4c) Not really, but I needed to justify Part A.
5) I don’t use special suntan lotions when I go tanning, just basic moisturizer.
6) The resulting white spot on my ass is NOT a target.
7) I didn’t wince when I got my ears pierced.
8) Or my tongue.
9) Elton John is only my fourth favorite musical artist.
10) I didn’t enjoy RENT any of the seven times I saw it live or on Sundays when I watch the DVD.
**Bonus Reason: I’m not going to hell for defying a divine commandment and corrupting American society by desecrating the sanctity of marriage and facilitating the spread of sexual diseases.