Hand-holding. The most harmless part of a relationship, right? DEAD. WRONG. Hand-holding is a dangerous craft, and how you execute it says more about your relationship than you’ll ever know.
 | The Interlock The ultimate hand-hold. Confucious once said, “the truest sign of love is whether or not your finger pits touch when you hold hands.” He also said “you will probably stop watching The Simpsons after the 9th season,” so you know he’s wise as hell. |
 | The Bread Basket You’re committed, but you’re not having sex. Why? Because this hand-hold is lame. Stop holding hands like a grandmother. And if you’re dating your grandmother, well, then, I guess it’s okay. But YIKES. |
 | 2 in the Pink A single-digit hand-hold, really? That’s the best you can do? This isn’t a teenage girl hand-slapping game. Claim that hand! Claim it like Sacajawea claimed the Louisiana Purchase! Right? |
 | The Chinese Greeting What the f*ck are you doing? Do you even know how to hold hands? This must be so uncomfortable for both of you, seriously. Just stop it. Stop everything. |
 | The Stage 6 Clinger One of you is concerned about your relationship, and one of you is concerned about their hand’s circulation. What does it mean when your hand feels like spiders? Is that good or bad? |
 | The Baby Magnet You’re dating a baby. That, or you have the maturity of one. Here’s something that’ll blow your mind – constantly forcing your significant other to “blow your butt trumpet” doesn’t count as romance. |
 | The Rebel Yell You are only dating this person to teach your parents a lesson. They didn’t want you dating a guy with piercings? “Well too bad, Mom, me and Carlos are in love, and also look at this weird-ass way that we hold hands.” Her tears mean it’s working. |
 | Double Trouble You have a freak backwards hand. That, or you’re incapable of walking forwards. Either way, you are lucky just to be in a relationship at all. Treat your partner well, they’re already being generous. |
 | The Prometheus You are dating a member of the Roman Army, BAD-ASS! |
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