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105%-O-Matic

Issue #64

by 105%-O-Matic on

Each issue is funnier than the next.

Unwittingly Accurate Reactions to Unfortunate News
-“You’re schizophrenic? that’s insane!”
-“You have OCD? That’s so neat!”
-“You got a vasectomy? That’s nuts!”
-Conor McKeon
State Trivia
Did you know that the flag of Texas has only one star on it? It’s Steve Guttenberg.
-Brian Agler
Dinner
When I go out for dinner I like to order steak, because it’s the only meal that comes with a compliment from the waiter: “Here’s your steak, well done”.
-Nick Nemeroff
NASCAR is a lot like life
It’s long, boring, loud, it goes around in circles forever and you are always surrounded by idiots.
-Fred Gunkler
Reasons why Seth Rogen and James Franco smoked weed on the MTV Movie Awards
1. To forget that they appeared on the MTV Movie Awards
2. To make the MTV Movie Awards seem funnier than it really is
3. To be too baked to accept an invitation to the Teen Choice Awards
-Tanner B
Convicted Felon Humor
I think if you rape an ape, you should be called an apist. I don’t want people thinking I rape women, that’s just sick.

-Nick Samet
Steve Jobs Keynote Speech Excerpts if Apple Existed in…
1442: “This is a printing press, it is a bookbindery, it is an iron plate, and best of all — it can do all three in a single day.”
1892: “Zinc casing. Carbon Granule Transmitting. This tele-phone does it all, and guess what, it only costs 2 cents.” (Roughly $9.1M today.)
1964: “One more thing… this computer is only 9 feet thick and is barely audible three houses away.”
-Amir Blumenfeld
How Much Ya Bench?
I don’t know. About once a month?
-Patrick Cassels
Phrases that lose all meaning in the afterlife
- This cake is so good, I’m in heaven.
- Thank you so much, you’re a saint.
- He’s with God now.
-Kevin Corrigan
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Orange Squares

Two years ago I get assigned a roommate from Bangladesh. Its his first time ever out of his country. His first words to me were Hello how tastes it. Interesting start right. Two days later i walk in to see cheese slices all over the walls. The cheese slices have writing on them. I confront him about it and he tells me he thought they were post it notes. Apparently they do... Read More » not have dairy in back home because he had never seen cheese before. Days after that he blows up the microwave by putting a pot of eggs in it. It is at this point that I give up on the guy. After a few weeks I notice his part of the dorm smells like ass so I confront him about it. He then goes on to explain that he has been waiting for the servants to come by for his laundry. Of all the people why did I get this guy? In the three months I lived with him he washed once and never quite understood that we did not have servants and that Americans utilize cows.