How My Friends and I Appear to My Grandma

Steve: Hey Lucas, what do you want to do tonight?

Lucas: The same thing I want to do every night: have some of your Grandmama’s delicious cherry pie with coo’ whip.

Steve: Mmm mmm, I declare, nothing is more satisfying than my Grandmama’s cherry pie with coo’ whip. How many dollops of coo’ whip are you going to have?

Lucas: Two, but I might sneak in an extra one if she ain’t lookin’.

Steve: You know, besides occasionally taking more food than we are allotted, we are angels.

Trey: Incomprehensible babble

Steve: That’s right, even our colored friend Trey. All’s equal nowadays.

Lucas: You know what I really want to do besides, of course, have cherry pie with coo’ whip?

Steve: What’s that?

Lucas: Hear about what’s been ailing your Grandmama lately.

Steve: Remember that time she showed us her cataract eye? It was like looking into a crystal ball. Who needs arcades or googles when you have your own personal crystal ball living in the den?

Lucas: That was great. My personal favorite, though, was when she told us about the fluid in her knee. I still can’t have cream with my coffee!

Amber: Y’all talking about Steve’s Grandmama’s ailments and whatnot?

Steve: Back off, jag-toothed jezebel. Buy yourself a bus ticket back to Sodom, and take your purse full of aborted fetuses with you.

Lucas: Can you believe her, trying to corrupt us goodhearted boys? By my estimation, I’ve never even looked at a girl inappropriately.

Steve: Yeah, I don’t even think I know what a girl is.

Trey: Incomprehensible babble

Steve: So that’s what those are. Do you know what I am sure of, though?

Lucas: What’s that?

Steve: That I have the world’s greatest grandmother. I purchased her a mug telling her so, which she proudly displays on her mantle. The mug is a statement of fact, that nowhere in the world does there exist a single grandmother who rivals mine. There’s just something about her totally underwhelming perfume and her desire to lay with Jack Nicklaus that puts her above the rest.

Lucas: Here’s to your Grandmama!