For too long young children have been allowed to behave inanyway they see fit. Well I am sick of it and I am calling them out. Below is alist of Kindergartners that made me mad in my younger years.
The Tall Tale Teller: This kid made everyone's Kindergarten experience significantly less enjoyable. Whether his parents had a machine that constantly printed out hundred dollar bills, he once scored 35 goals in a single soccer game, or his cousin was Tommy Oliver (a.k.a. The White Ranger,the "Tall Tale Teller" was the envy of all his classmates. His supposed possession of a Sunny Delight water fountain alone was enough to produce extreme jealousy in his fellow finger painters. The biggest problem with this person is that as Kindergartners we were not smart enough to understand that he was about as honest as a frat boy trying to charm an unwitting co-ed. I mean really, how was I supposed to know he didn't own three polar bears? In present day these people still exist. Think about the guy that tells everyone his other car is a Ferrari or that, despite his beer belly and greasy complexion, he has had sex with too many women to count. The key difference is that the matured mind is sharp enough to detect the bull, and the "Tall Tale Teller" can simply be ignored.
The Early Hormonal Girl:I don't know of one male that actually got excited about a girl trying to kiss him at six years old. Despite this general truth, there always seemed to be at least one girl in every class that wanted nothing more than to forcefully lock lips with every boy she saw. Terrorizing playgrounds in a Disney Princesses t-shirt and pigtails, this girl was the reason for many Cootie booster shots during her reign of terror. I remember spending entire recesses avoiding the shameless aggressive advances of the"Early Hormonal Girl". Even with my incredible ability to navigate a Jungle Jim like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom, this girl's romantic desires seemed to outmatch my considerable powers of evasion every single time. Even for a six-year-old the "Early Hormonal Girl" is a father's worst nightmare. While mothers may watch on and giggle at their daughter's amorous nature, fathers can't help but fear that she will inevitably grow into "nymphamous" young woman.
The Overgrown Guy: Like a Giant Redwood among mere saplings,the "Overgrown Guy" towered fiercely over his much shorter classmates. The fear that this kid evoked from other students was significant. Few people in Kindergarten had the gall to participate in a game of Four-Square with this Frankenstein. His Cherry Bombs had the potential to carry clear over theswing set and past the girls playing Hop-Scotch, making it impossible to retrieve the ball and return to the square before your time ran out. The"Overgrown Guy" was an unstoppable force of intimidation. If he wasn't theclass bully himself, he was normally tamed, trained, and given orders by a smaller mastermind. If there is any consolation, it is that this character will normally stop growing at some point before high school, and will later pay theprice for being such a jerk by later becoming a pimply socially awkward teenager. Either that or he will becomethe star center on the basketball team, get a full athletic scholarship to Duke, and later become a millionaire NBA
The Cryer Girl: Yeah I admit it, I drew a line across her Beanie Baby with a Blue Crayola Marker, but does she really need to spend the entire second half of the day bawling her eyes out. The "Criar Girl" was famousfor her quick draw on the water works. Her outbursts of grief could be caused by anything from a scraped knee to a dropped brownie at snacktime. It got to the point that seemingly everygame of Dodgeball was ended by her getting pegged violently in her grill,falling to the ground, and crying violently for about an hour. This is not just a phase. In her later years, this girl will cry on every last day of school,after getting a C on her Biology exam, and during the last episode of"Friends".
Kid: The "ADHD
Kid" was actually more a source ofchildhood entertainment than an annoyance. If you are a girl who, as a child, once had a significant lock of hairunknowingly cut from your head, chances are you have had an encounter with the"ADHD
Kid". This is the guy that loved recess so much that at least once a week the teacher would have to chase him through the playground in order to get himto join the rest of the class for lunch. He was not allowed to eat candy or drink soda,so of course he always seemed to be doing both. Not that he needed the extra boost, but about twenty minutes after a lunch of grape Nerds, Fun Dip, and Mountain Dew, this kid became a certifiable nut job. There was nothing he would not or could not do. I remember on one occasion, the "ADHD
Kid", in an attempt to avoid punishment for giving our teacher the middle-finger, climbed out a second story window, shimmied down a drain pipe, and sprinted in the direction of his home, before being wrangled by an observing janitor. He was truly a spectacular display of comedy and adventure that made school significantly more enjoyable. However, later in life his parents and teachers would become fed up with his exploits and force him to start taking Ritalin. This essentially was the end of the"ADHD
Kid's" days of glory. Unless of course by some miracle he forgot to take his medication. Then he would once again spend his day dancing on desks and partaking in general rebellion towards the tyranny of authority.
The Random Fact Kid: Do you really think I care that you know the capital, flower, and bird of every single State? Everyone remembers the "Random Fact Kid". His name was usually something like Cornelius, Percival, or Trevor and he was a wealth of random useless information that made him seem like a child prodigy. Yeah he could spell "antidisestablishmentarianism" and he knew every President and Vice President since George Washington, but could he tie his own shoes? Although I was at first impressed by this kid's display of trivial knowledge, after awhile I noticed that he left the class for an hour everyday with a special tutor and he would have occasional emotional outbursts and need to be taken home early by his mother. The interesting thing about the "Random Fact Kid" was that a good percentage of the time he actually had some sort of significant learning disability. Whether he was OCD
, autistic, or just plain old retarded his plethora of knowledge was a paradox against his other mental struggles. It's ok to let the "Random Fact Kid" show off a little at this point, because he will probably struggle for the rest of his life.