Why The Superman/Batman Movie Will Never Happen

Fade in on the Gotham City Police Department. Batman addresses Commissioner Jim Gordon and his officers.

Batman: There’s no time to waste. Two-Face is holding the Second National Bank hostage, and we-

Superman bursts in.

Superman: Yo, Bruce-man, sorry I’m late. What’s the sitch?

Batman: Well, as I wrote in the comprehensive brief I sent out-

Superman: Oh, no worries, totally glanced over that. Double-Face, right? What’s his deal again? Laser eyes? Super-speed?

Batman: No, he’s, um, obsessed with the number two.

Superman: Ha! No, seriously. What’s he do? Mind control?

Batman: Well, he also has this skin condition.

Superman: Are you f*cking kidding me? One sec.

Superman crashes out through the wall.

Batman: Actually, the skin thing is more of a metaphor for the duality of-

Superman flies back in, carrying a handcuffed Two-Face.

Superman: Done.

Two-Face: WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

Superman: Also, while I was out, I went ahead and stopped crime. All of it.

Batman: But- The mission- My parents-

Superman: Dude, no worries, you can totally lighten up now.

A single tear emerges from under Batman’s cowl.

Superman: Anyway, I’m headed to Cabo. Anybody want a lift?

A cop tentatively raises his hand.

Superman: Um, yeah, sorry man, when I said, “anybody,” I was really only talking to the chicks in the room. Any takers? No? Ah, well your loss. Later!

Superman crashes through the other wall. Roll credits.