Abraham Lincoln

Sick! Look at his brains!

I guess he'll need a new hat

Not covered in brains

Betsy Ross

Betsy sewed the flag

Instead of cooking dinner

Husband slapped that ho

Harriet Tubman

I learned about you

Every February

But I forgot why

Leonardo DaVinci

He did that drawing

With the guy that had eight limbs

Good for a turtle

Helen Keller

Blind, deaf, and fugly

Still, she gets her own quarter

Yup, it's that easy

William Howard Taft

Look how fat you are

Feel lucky your wife loves you

Because you're so fat

Charlie Chaplin

Pedophilia

If you were alive today

Children would be scared

Charles Darwin

Pro football players

Are pretty convincing proof

Of a missing link

Jane Austen

I feign interest

Because my girlfriend loves you

But you suck goat balls