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Hallie Cantor

Guy Who Robbed a Liquor Store Last Night Talks to His Buddies

by Hallie Cantor on

Friend 1: Hey, did you guys hear about the liquor store on Main?

Friend 2: No, what happened?

GWRALSLN (a second after Friend 2): No, what happened?

Friend 3: Oh, I heard about that. Apparently some guy just ran in at like 10 last night in a ski mask and tried to hold them up.

Friend 2: Whoa, for real? I was there last night at like 9:45!

Friend 1: Seriously?

Friend 3: That’s insane, man.

GWRALSLN: …yeah, wow!

Friend 2 (to GWRALSLN): Dude, why are you surprised? I ran into you right outside there.

GWRALSLN: Oh, hah, I forgot about that. Yeah, I was just, uh, going in to the store, just picking up some brews, you know, to bring to the party. Gotta have that Miller Chill, right guys?

Friend 2: We didn’t drink any beer at the party.

GWRALSLN: Um…that’s because I couldn’t get any! I got carded. It was gayyy. Heh.

Friend 1: So were you there during the hold-up?

GWRALSLN: No, I guess the guy came in after I left.

Friend 3: Get this—I heard he used a pink Venus razor to scare the clerk.

Friend 2: What an idiot!

Friends 1 and 2 laugh.

GWRALSLN: Well, I don’t know if I’d call him an idiot, per se…I mean, maybe he was using his girlfriend’s razor. In a way, it actually proves that he’s more manly because he was probably staying at his girlfriend’s place. I bet he’s a pimp.

Friend 2: What are you talking about, man?

GWRALSLN: Nothing, forget it, let’s talk about something else. Have you guys started your World Civ papers yet?

Friend 3: Nah. Oh man, but I also heard that the robber was wearing pink mittens!

GWRALSLN: Hey, my-his mom probably made him those!

Friend 2: Chill out, man.

Friend 3: And matching pink booties!

Friend 1: What a gaywad.

GWRALSLN pulls out his pink Venus razor.

GWRALSLN: Yeah, who wants to rumble now, huh?

Friends all laugh.

Friend 1: Oh no! “Somebody shave us!”


Friend 2: You must’ve been a really smooth criminal with those patented 5 blades!

Friend 3: Yeah, I bet after shaving you really cleaned up when you were “robbing the liquor store.” Good one, man.

They exit. GWRALSLN sighs and wraps his razor in a hand-knitted bootie.


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Hallie Cantor

Hallie Cantor

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It's a vase

I used to work night shift manufacturing in small town Nebraska. After work, I went home and bummed around a bit, when my roommate and I realized we were hungry for some greasy food. Everything is shut down except a 24 truck stop about 20 minutes away. We head out, and half way there we see lights flashing in the rear. He wasn't speeding so we had no idea why we were... Read More » getting pulled over (turns out it was a burnt out tail light). The cop comes up, sees two mid twenties guys wearing huddies, and when he asked us where we were going answered him that we were going to the truck stop because we had the munchies. 45 minutes go by and we hear a dog sniffing the car, barking at the trunk. I look at my friend and say "Your not sending me to jail man!", "No, I clean, really." Sweet is poring down our face when the officer says, "Both of you step out of the car NOW." We comply, and 5 officers search every inch of the two of us. Then they search his trunk, "SIR, ARE THESE YOUR WEAPONS?", My friend answers, "That's my key chain pocket knife, I forgot it was in there." The offices disregards it than spits back "WHATS THIS?!?" My friend squeaked out "That's a vase sir." Much to their disappointment, we were clean, and they let us go. I still chuckle when I go back to visit and see his vase.