A Former High School Athlete Previews the NBA Draft

Beasley is coming off one of the greatest freshman seasons in college basketball history. He is an elite athlete with great length, quickness, jumping ability, and strength. He has a soft touch around the rim, and NBA three-point range on his jump shot. Beasley is…holy crap I just noticed that he was born in 1989. Wow, does that ever make me feel old. Jeeze, my little sister is older than him. Is this guy seriously going to be a top pick in the NBA draft? I mean, he wasn’t even alive when the Ninja Turtles came out. He couldn’t even talk about Friday’s episode of Full House in school on Mondays because he wasn’t even in school yet when Full House went off the air. Here’s my new player assessment of Michael Beasley: I would have completely owned this kid. His weaknesses are he throws a hissy fit whenever you play keep away from him, he runs and tells his mommy when you call him a queer, and he cried when you told him that Santa Claus wasn’t real. I would have found out what girl he had a crush on, and then told her in front of all the other kids and watched him get embarrassed when she said he was icky. Wait, why wouldn’t the girl like him? He’s a basketball Jesus. He could probably dunk when he was nine. While I was busy collecting all the sweet Ninja Turtles action figures I could get my hands on he was practicing his post moves. He’s six years younger than me and probably went through puberty before I did. I bet he was banging senior chicks when he was a freshman. When did I become such a mess? Why didn’t I have somebody put a basketball in my crib. I’m 6’6” why am I not in the NBA? I’m such a waste of space. All that wasted time…why didn’t I just go to the gym, it would be me with the million dollar contracts and the shoes named after me and my picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated. OH, GOD PLEASE just let me wake up tomorrow and be 13 again, I’ll do it all over, I’ll do it right this time. Or let me go back in time and talk to myself, I’ll tell me what an idiot I’m being and to get up off the god damn couch! Like, a couple hours a day that’s it, you don’t even have a summer job! Stop making yourself as a character on NBA Live and go shoot some frigging hoops, you’ll be on the game for real. Ooh, I bet Beasley’s going to be a beast in Live ’09. I can’t wait to play a franchise mode and fantasy draft him on the Sixers. That’s all they need, a good power forward and they are going to be a contender. When’s the release date for Live…let me look that up…Holy Shit! They are making a new Ghostbusters game! I am never leaving my room again!