Roommate Confessions: Issue 31

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to RoommateConfessions@GMail.com.

My final year of college I had a bro-tastic roommate that just loved his protein and whey. After a long night of pounding Carling (Canada’s version of Natty Light) and “killing hookers” at some random kegger as you put it you’d wake up the next morning before me and use my electric frying pan to cook your steak and egg omelette’s and whey shakes and leave the pan uncleaned for my breakfast later on that morning. After about a month of this I got pretty sick of cleaning up after you and started re-wiring the frying pan so every time you turned it on it would short out in the handle and shock the living sh*t out of you. You’d ask me to fix it, I’d fix it without a word and then promptly un-fix it a couple days later. Even better, you stopped asking me to fix it and went out and finally bought a brand new electric frying pan, which I also promptly “optimised it’s wiring.”
Kevin, Mohawk College

My roommates girlfriend steadily moved her stuff in until she basically became our roommate as well. She was a miserable woman who was constantly complaining about everything. For example, she lost her keys once which I found buried in the couch. So she accused me of stealing them so that she would be late for work – yeah, like I wanted her to NOT to leave, right? Anyway, when she hung a bath sponge thing in our shower, I used it as a pee catcher. It absorbed a lot of pee for nearly a year. They eventually married, then divorced. She never stopped being a miserable individual.
Dave University of St Thomas

My roommate was obsessed with all of her shoes my second semester of freshman year. By the end of the semester I was so fed up with hearing about her Coach shoes and her pure Italian leather shoes so while she was taking her last final, and I was packing up, I super glued every one of her perfectly lined up shoes to the closet floor. I’m not really sure how she reacted when they wouldn’t lift off the floor, but judging by the irate away messages for the next few days I’ll say she wasn’t too pleased…
Anonymous, Marist College

My Junior year I shared a campus-owned apartment with a very reserved Asian grad student. He expressed obvious disgust to me whenever me and my girlfriend would have sex in my OWN ROOM with the DOOR CLOSED. Well, I stopped bothering about his opinion while walking past the bathroom one day. He was taking a shower with the door wide open, and I heard sounds of grunting. He proceeded to start yelling ‘Yeah Garrick, yeah! Pop that shit!’ over and over again. After such a scarring event, I decided loud sex whenever he was trying to watch TV was the best medicine.
R, University of Pittsburgh

My roommates and I have been hiding a condom randomly around the house for the last month. Well one of my roommates decided to step up the prank by hiding it in the brim of my hat so that I would not notice it when I put it on for the day. In his plan I would take off my hat and the condom would fall out while I was at work or with my parents. He sucks, I found it, and returned the favor. I taped it to the bottom of his black dress shoes. He wore the shoes and didn’t notice until it was pointed out to him in the middle of a job interview.
Joel, University of Louisville