God Acts Like My Roommate

God: Adam, might I speak with thou for a moment?
Adam: Yes my Lord?
God: It seems that fruit is missing from my tree.
Adam: Indeed my Lord! Eve tasted from the tree earlier this morning!
God: …What did thou say?
Adam: My blessed Eve, she ate from the tree.
God: Oh…OK. Adam, have thou not learned of My rules for living together in My Garden of Eden?
Adam: But what do You mean my Lord?! How have I forsaken You?
God: My child, it was not so much thou as it was thy woman. I am starting to believe that creating her may not have been the wisest of choices. 
Adam: But my Lord! Eve assured me that it would be fine to eat from the tree!
God: Have I not clearly labeled what is Mine and what is yours? Did I not time and time again insist that she respect my belongings? Doest thou see me taking things from her? Doest thou?!  Plus, it seems as though she never leaves!
Adam: My Lord forgive her, she know not what she do!
God: Oh you pitiful man! Eve knows exactly what she does! Thy “blessed” Eve continues to displease me, Adam. Thou shalt teach thy woman some respect, or else I shalt burden her with the pains of labor!
Adam: No, Lord! Please forgive us!
God: I do not know how I can forgive thou, Adam. thou hast broken my golden rule.
Adam: I know my Lord. I am so sorry for not treating thou the way I would like to be treated!
God: No, Adam.  “Gods before broads.“  I shall mail you your share of the security deposit whence I move out.