There are certain things you are not allowed to do, ever again, no matter how fun they are. Remember that time you told your fourth-grade teacher she was a bitch? Yes, I know it wasn't your fault that Tommy's braces got kicked in, opening a gaping flesh wound in his mouth that has now become infected with hepatitis C. And yes, I know it felt good to hear his stupid little teeth click when they hit the ground. But it was still wrong. You shouldn't call people "bitch" anymore. Also, from now on, there will be no more throwing yourself at your bosses, teachers or anyone in uniform because you think authority is sexy. Remember what happened last time? Officer Jerome had to peel your hands from his ass. I know it was voluptuous and melon-like, and you had to give it a squeeze. And yes, I know it felt like molten steel beneath your fingers. But still. It was wrong. There will also be no more midnight snacks. Last time, you ate a raw steak, three Hot Pockets and that lumpy thing we still aren't sure was actually food. It may have been the pepperoni flavored Hot Pockets the best kind but now you've gained 4 pounds overnight, and you look like you're smuggling Beanie Babies in your stomach. Never again. And definitely no more border-hopping in that Mexican disguise. We all know what happened to you then, Josefina. You must also stop carrying books around that you haven't read, just to make yourself look smart. When that cute librarian-like man at Starbucks asked you how you liked "The Divine Comedy," and you laughed and said it made you piss your pants with hilarity, you should have known it would end badly. Next time, just tell the truth and say that it's "Goosebumps: The Mummy Returns." Finally, there will be no more re-enactments of Spike TV's "Most Extreme Elimination Challenge," using your old dining room table and chairs, rope, and eighteen pounds of Vaseline. That was just embarrassing for everyone involved.
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