Daniel Eric Lopez

Time To Get A Job

Joe: Hey babe! Guess what! I finally got a job interview!

Joe’s GF: Aw, I’m so proud of you! After a year of hard work, you finally got one!

Joe: I would like to thank you for supporting me through my year of unemployment. Now, I’m gonna be able to support myself!

Joe’s GF: Finally…

Joe: What was that?

Joe’s GF:Nothing… What do you think got them?

Joe: I think the fact that I live on “God’s green ass mother f*cking earth”.

Joe’s GF: That’s a winner ever time.

Joe: Alright, I got to go to my interview now. Watch me nail this like a screwdriver.

(Later, in the waiting room)

Joe: Hi, I’m Joe, I’m here for the job interview.

Receptionist:
Oh… Joe? Can you hold on a second? (Yells to the office) Hey! The guy with the horrible application is here! He actually thought he had a chance! (everyone in the office laughs at him)

Joe: Wait… What’s going on here?

Boss: Haha, he lives on “God’s green ass mother f*cking earth”. What a weirdo.

Receptionist: All we wanted to do was to see if you were serious or not, or if you were even real.

Joe: Dammit. Not again…

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.