Your Lies to Your Home Friends, Translated

I went to the gym for like 3 hours a day; I usually closed down the place. 

I went to the cafeteria for like 3 hours a day; I usually closed down the place.

I had a strict workout regiment; I put on like 25 pounds of muscle.
I went to the gym once every other month. I put on like 25 pounds of greasy pepperoni pizza.

I played on the sickest intramural basketball team
I played on an intramural basketball team and sprained my ankle first game. The team we played won the championship though.

I can’t stand Steve anymore; he’s changed a lot, man.
God, Steve is banging one hot chick after the next. I wish I was him SO BAD.

I did terribly this semester, man. Too much PARTYING, amirite?!!?!
I stayed in just about every night. I wrote this 25 page thesis during the biggest party night of the year. I still did terribly though.

Kids on my floor were CRAZY close; we were always pranking each other.
My roommate actually took a dump on my bed. Half the time I cowered in my room for fear of the savages that lived next door.

Our basketball team was SO close to making the tournament. Stupid NCAA hates mid-majors.
Our team was blasted by Kansas by 50 four weeks into the season.

We made our own bowl out of a hamster cage, a hose we stole, and caffenated gum. THAT’S HOW HARD WE PARTY!!!!!!!
The kid that lived at the end of the hall was a dealer. I got drunk and tried it once, resulting in me puking for the next 2 hours.

One of the highlights of my year was definitely camping out for tickets to the big game.
One moment that will serve as basis for every ounce of shame I have for the rest of my being was when I camped out with my girlfriend and her friends for A Capella tickets.

I went out to the bars and hooked up with maaaaaad girls.
My fake ID got taken the first time I tried to use it. I did nail a fat chick, though. She was real mad about it. God, I’m lonely.