If a Freshman's Stomach could Talk

1 Month before Freshman Year:

               Hey, I heard you got into college, mad props on that one! The Twinkie you ate a week ago and I are rooting for you. Now, I know you are moving on to bigger and better things but make sure you don’t forget about me, alright?

Day 2 of College:

                Sweet tap dancing Jesus that was a crazy night! I didn’t know I had the ability to bleed, but I guess you learn something new every day. I was talking to your roommate’s stomach last night and it was closer to death than I was so, basically, we rule. But whatever, let’s go eat some old pizza and piss in the hallway.

November:

                Chicken wings again today? Really? Listen, we need to have a meeting, first topic, the importance of eating food that doesn’t make Niagara Falls come out of your ass.Topic number two, the liquor before beer rule – If I scar anymore down here from you puking I’m gonna start to look like M. Night Shyamalan’s career.

January:

                Okay, let’s talk New Year’s resolutions. I’m looking at you Freshman 15; you are not going to attract any mates with your ass dragging on the ground. Did you see the face on the last person you had sex with? You could see the fear in their eyes, and I have a feeling that fear was coming from the possibility of you crushing their pelvis.

Oh, and PS: Your liver has started to lactate, is that supposed to happen?

May:

                Hey, Spring Weekend starts tomorrow, doesn’t it? This is going to be so much fun! But, just as a reminder, let’s go over my ground rules. Number one cover your drink, number two drink in moderation and number three have a good time! But seriously, I want to function in the morning, so, be cool…please?

Next Day:

                You didn’t listen to anything I said, did you? Yeah, you ARE in a construction site fifty miles away from campus, and no I don’t know how we got here. Last thing I remember you were putting your leg up in the air and yelling about some sort of ship Capitan and then BAM you are sitting in the seat of a bulldozer covered in your own vomit. Well, you better start making your way back to school, here is a little hint, follow the trail of digested ramen I left for you…Oh and one more thing, I hate you. That is all.